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Suicidal Needle


Author: Reckoner
Elite Ratio:    5.04 - 122 /164 /128
Words: 125
Class/Type: Poetry /Me
Total Views: 1163
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 777



Description:


She didn't come back this time, she proved me wrong


Suicidal Needle



I murdered myself
placed a cell into the ground
I fused myself to the lack of warmth
underground

Terrible place to be
caught up in your own self destruction
murderous plot to seek
a game of disruption

I told a tale
and in it I told myself to take it easy
to set aside the wonders
and rip throught the blackened windows

All I could see was a white ghost leaving
my supreme being
carelessly speeding up her death for me
carrying out the deeds of a useless pea

a pea in a soft tainted pod
dripping down whats left of memory
showing me that she has forgotten me
wiped away clean from memory
she forgets me




Submitted on 2007-05-04 23:50:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  it's weird....any time anyone else reviews your stuff i get uber pissed, especially if they get to it before me and ESPECIALLY if they question something...*ahem* anywho...i think this is gorgeous...and all your words add something. everything is needed and loved....at least i think so...and what i think is all that matters here... :D and i did come back though bebs...i came back....i always will. always. i luh you. talk soon..

XOxoXO,
me
| Posted on 2007-05-06 00:00:00 | by angelfyre | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a strong poem. I especially like how the lines are very direct so that more intensity is created. What a dramatic opening line:

I murdered myself

Then the poem gathers strength and force, talking about the idea of death, of obsessional thoughts of the grave, the idea of:

I fused myself to the lack of warmth
underground

is beautifully expressed. As is:

All I could see was a white ghost leaving
my supreme being

A fantastic poem. My only question would be, though it is well-written, what does the second stanza actually add to the poem that we cannot insinuate from the richer language elsewhere? Would it be stronger without this stanza? I don't know the answer to this as obviously it's up to your own artistic vision.

Once more a brilliant poem, thank you for sharing.

Speacenik
| Posted on 2007-05-05 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]


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