This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -

Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Suicidal Needle

Author: Reckoner
Elite Ratio:    5.04 - 122 /164 /128
Words: 125
Class/Type: Poetry /Me
Total Views: 1194
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 777


She didn't come back this time, she proved me wrong

Suicidal Needle

I murdered myself
placed a cell into the ground
I fused myself to the lack of warmth

Terrible place to be
caught up in your own self destruction
murderous plot to seek
a game of disruption

I told a tale
and in it I told myself to take it easy
to set aside the wonders
and rip throught the blackened windows

All I could see was a white ghost leaving
my supreme being
carelessly speeding up her death for me
carrying out the deeds of a useless pea

a pea in a soft tainted pod
dripping down whats left of memory
showing me that she has forgotten me
wiped away clean from memory
she forgets me

Submitted on 2007-05-04 23:50:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  it's weird....any time anyone else reviews your stuff i get uber pissed, especially if they get to it before me and ESPECIALLY if they question something...*ahem* anywho...i think this is gorgeous...and all your words add something. everything is needed and least i think so...and what i think is all that matters here... :D and i did come back though bebs...i came back....i always will. always. i luh you. talk soon..

| Posted on 2007-05-06 00:00:00 | by angelfyre | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a strong poem. I especially like how the lines are very direct so that more intensity is created. What a dramatic opening line:

I murdered myself

Then the poem gathers strength and force, talking about the idea of death, of obsessional thoughts of the grave, the idea of:

I fused myself to the lack of warmth

is beautifully expressed. As is:

All I could see was a white ghost leaving
my supreme being

A fantastic poem. My only question would be, though it is well-written, what does the second stanza actually add to the poem that we cannot insinuate from the richer language elsewhere? Would it be stronger without this stanza? I don't know the answer to this as obviously it's up to your own artistic vision.

Once more a brilliant poem, thank you for sharing.

| Posted on 2007-05-05 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?