Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: When It's Gonedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: kession
    ASL Info:    18~M~ok
    Elite Ratio:    3.16 - 115/156/63
    Words: 131
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1054
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 821



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhen It's Gonedots
    -------------------------------------------


    You say the attraction is gone,
    but that the love is still there,
    you don't think the attraction will come back,
    but you said love is'nt going anywhere.

    What made this happen?
    you say you don't know,
    I wish you could figure it out,
    so you could tell me whats goin on.

    I've never had this happen,
    so I don't know what to do,
    should we stay together,
    or should I try falling out of love with you?

    I still look upon you,
    like I did from the very first time,
    my heart beating fast,
    when I see that sparkle in your eye.

    But this means nothing,
    if you don't feel the same way,
    so tell me what to do,
    should I leave or should I stay?




    Submitted on 2007-05-05 12:59:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I agree this is a very painful subject and your words drip with the pain you feel but it is a bit choppy. I think if you fixed the last line of the second stanza it would be better. The wording goes from rhyming to not then back again. I also know that when you feel like your whole world is caving in and the only way to really get those feelings out is when you pick up a pen and write them down that it doesnt matter if the feelings come out choppy or rhyme or flow, it just matters that the feelings come out. This is a great poem and i hope you work things out.

    AL
    | Posted on 2007-05-07 00:00:00 | by Amanda Lynn | [ Reply to This ]
      well sorry that this is haapening and i would say leave. if the person say that the attraction is not going to be there then it isn't ever going to come. there are lots of diffrent types of love. this person my love you because of all the experiance that you have had together but it is not a full kind of love. i think that that is what this person is trying to tell you. i am in the same situation. i guess you could say. i love this person in my life but know that it just can work out. i dont trust the person anymore. they have broken that part of the relation ship so instead of staying for the wron reasons i am choosing to let go and move on. we are better of friends. i think that this in a way got out what you were trying to say but could use a little more work in the phrasing. i havent writen in a while so i dont have any really good sigetions but i bet if you put it down for a little while then come back and re read it you may get some ideas maybe for imagry that you could put in it. have a good day
    | Posted on 2007-05-06 00:00:00 | by lili | [ Reply to This ]
      This was alrigh the flow was very choppy this is a hrad subject., but it seems like u didn't express urself as much as you could of some parts in this piece u hinted on expressing yourself to you rfull portententail. but u didn't with some work this pice could be really good....

    well i hope to hear from you and keep writng

    Max
    | Posted on 2007-05-06 00:00:00 | by theman | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    141951

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry