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one again


Author: Sundance
ASL Info:    20/F
Elite Ratio:    3.28 - 15 /32 /11
Words: 128
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 771
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 556



Description:


even though it hurts to let go but sometimes its not a bad thing to be selfish. what can i say some ppl are just bad for you.


one again



i got to get away
i got to win
i get to walk away

sacrificing
for you

lost
for you

shattered
for you


it Was always about you.

tired
roped to your every whim
thinking i had it all to lose
my life in an instant
but in the end i got to choose

i got to walk away
i got to get away
i won
i won

I'm one.




Submitted on 2007-05-05 16:55:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I actually liked this poem when I got to the end. I'll give you a critique, but don't take any negativities personally because I think it has real overall potential.

i got to get away
i got to win
i get to walkaway


I do not like your usage of the word 'got.' It's incorrect grammar in this stanza. I do understand that you help the flow with the word 'get' later in that stanza. Might I suggest you use the phrases, "I've got to get away, I've got to win"? It's a bit better grammar, and though it doesn't flow AS WELL as the one you have now, it sounds much more intelligent and makes more grammatical sense. Also, walk away is two words. I like the subject matter of your poem - not clichéd, hopeless love poetry, but a show of strength - the narrator wants to get up and leave. If you are trying to use got in the sense that you already have gotten to do something, you need to clarify that by not making the middle of your poem sound like the narrator is still stuck in the bad situation. Know what I mean?

sacrificing
for you

lost
for you

shattered
for you


This sounds a little more clichéd, but I think it's okay with your poem. One thing, though, 'shattered for you' doesn't make a lot of sense in my mind... usually you'd say 'shattered because of you.' Could you change it to 'because of you' for the three instead of 'for you'? I think it would still work the same and make a little more sense.

it Was always about you.

Any reason for the capitalized Was? Not a ton to say about this part; it works with your poem fine.

tired
roped to ur every whim
thinking i had it all to lose
my life in an instant
but in the end i got to choose


The rhyme sounds very good. Good grammatical and rhythmic flow. It also makes your usage of got sound much better in the end. I like this part. I would suggest you change ur to your, though, just to sound more intelligent :P

i got to walk away
i got to get away
i won
i won

I'm one.


I love how you turn won into one, it works so well. You conclude your poem very nicely.

Even though the subject matter of this poem is not extremely unique, you bring out a message effectively and concisely. Your word choice is generally good and the poem appeals to the reader without sounding too clichéd. Good work :)
| Posted on 2007-05-06 00:00:00 | by awastedsky | [ Reply to This ]
  Well written and very well expressed. It's a relationship gone bad in a nutshell. I'm not a great fan of your format, but what do I know?

i got to get away
i got to win
i get to walkaway


grammatical error here as well as a mispelled word. Walk away is two words, you currently have walkaway.

Grammatically, it should be:

I've got to get away
I've got to win
I get to walk away

As for my thoughts, I think you did a good job at describing a scene/emotion. You give everything for that someone and find out, hey they just aren't for me. Love is an ironic thing, sadly. Good job, Sundance.
~Dan
| Posted on 2007-05-05 00:00:00 | by djtswing | [ Reply to This ]


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