In Just

Author: bubble_popper15 ASL Info:    17, f, confused Elite Ratio:    4.13 - 201 /127 /45 Words: 58

Class/Type: Poetry /Happy Total Views: 1262 Average Vote:    4.0000 Bytes: 392

Description:

---

In Just

---

In just- Winter, when times are cheerfulrific and everyone is happy. Snow dances gracefully, as if every flake were a ballerina, twirling around captivatingly Christmastime, sitting around the fireplace The toasty goodness of the orangy flames Hot cocoa, the chocolatey smoothness Not to be taken in vain

Submitted on 2007-05-06 15:55:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_< 2: I dunno... 3: meh! 4: Pretty cool 5: Wow!

Comments

For a poem written in the 8th grade this shows good quality writing to build on.Your style seems to have a humorous quality to it which is good,but hard not to go over the top with,this is fine though,flow is good,rhyme is good it ticks all the boxes. Simplicity of message helps it a lot and I really like the end line were you say "not to be taken in vein".That adds so much to the piece. The only problem is the cheerfulrific part,if you want to include those kind of words you have to put them in inverted comas,that way its fine if they don't necessarily follow normal rules of grammar because its showing what you thought at the time.Aside from that no problems. Make sure you keep experimenting as you write new poems as it will slowly tailor your work into a style that you work best at. Your doing a good job so far anyway! -Craig

| Posted on 2007-05-16 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]

I like uneven rhyme patterns and I like this work. In particular I loved the idea of "the toasty goodness of the orange flames" Evocative, true and a smashing image. But - "cheerfulrific"??? The combination / portmanteau word doesn't work for me. Thanks so much for the read. Donald

| Posted on 2007-05-07 00:00:00 | by siradrian | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest. 2. Try not to give only compliments. 3. How did it make you feel? 4. Why did it make you feel that way? 5. Which parts? 6. What distracted from the piece?

7. What was unclear? 8. What does it remind you of? 9. How could it be improved? 10. What would you have done differently? 11. What was your interpretation of it? 12. Does it feel original?

141996