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In Just

Author: bubble_popper15
ASL Info:    17, f, confused
Elite Ratio:    4.13 - 201 /127 /45
Words: 58
Class/Type: Poetry /Happy
Total Views: 1262
Average Vote:    4.0000
Bytes: 392


A poem that I wrote in 8th grade. I really liked it, so yeah.

In Just

In just-
Winter, when times are cheerfulrific
and everyone is happy.
as if every flake were a ballerina,
twirling around captivatingly
Christmastime, sitting around the fireplace
The toasty goodness of the orangy flames
Hot cocoa, the chocolatey smoothness
Not to be taken in vain

Submitted on 2007-05-06 15:55:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  For a poem written in the 8th grade this shows good quality writing to build on.Your style seems to have a
humorous quality to it which is good,but hard not to go over the top with,this is fine though,flow is good,rhyme is good it ticks all the boxes.

Simplicity of message helps it a lot and I really like the end line were you say "not to be taken in vein".That adds so much to the piece.

The only problem is the cheerfulrific part,if you want to include those kind of words you have to put them in inverted comas,that way its fine if they don't necessarily follow normal rules of grammar because its showing what you thought at the time.Aside from that no problems.

Make sure you keep experimenting as you write new poems as it will slowly tailor your work into a style that you work best at.

Your doing a good job so far anyway!


| Posted on 2007-05-16 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
  I like uneven rhyme patterns and I like this work. In particular I loved the idea of "the toasty goodness of the orange flames" Evocative, true and a smashing image.
But - "cheerfulrific"??? The combination / portmanteau word doesn't work for me. Thanks so much for the read.

| Posted on 2007-05-07 00:00:00 | by siradrian | [ Reply to This ]

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