A Double Dactyl by DavidHirt

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Submission Name: A Double Dactyl dots

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Author:	DavidHirt
ASL Info:	29/M/Chicago
Elite Ratio:	7.46 - 572/332/102
Words:	65

Class/Type:	Poetry/Comedy
Total Views:	148
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	490

Description:
So... This was a little piece I wrote for a challenge on another site and thought I'd give it a posting here too.

A Double Dactyl dots

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Plasterdly, dastardly
Douglas of Avonlee
Sat in the bar and he
Spoke with a slur.

Tipping a tumbler of
rum was his number one
Saturday duty un-
Til he saw her.

"Dear Madmoiselley, ur,
Can't help but notice yer
Fashion sense lacking or
Breast and warm buns."

Quick as a winking she
Clobbered him handily.
Chicken forgotten, she
Left with her nuns.

Submitted on 2007-05-08 01:34:59 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Oh, double dactyls. I've got one of my own, it's such a fun style to do Let's see...
'rum was his number one' The word 'one' is a stress word, in my books. If you're just saying 'number one' in every-day speech, it's stress unstress stress. Trying to make it unstressed makes it awkward.
The 'un-til' break is interesting. I'm not quite sure if that's cheating or not when it comes to these poems. It's not something I'm personally satisfied with, but that's my own opinion.
'Dear Madmoiselley, ur' The first syllable of madmoiselle is definitely stressed, which throws off your dactyl.
Good work with this, despite the issues above. I was surprised and amused by the ending

| Posted on 2007-05-23 00:00:00 | by saartha | [ Reply to This ]
  Hehe...I like this one David. It's comical. I actually found myself giggling (not something I do often) Laugh..yes...giggle..No. You won't get any suggestions from me because limericks are not my paticular forte (I guess you would call this a limerick?) Moving on..it was amusing..fun to read. BlahBlahBlah, you know the rest so I don't have to continue.
Yours in His Love,
clover
| Posted on 2007-05-15 00:00:00 | by clovernfoxglove | [ Reply to This ]
  Highly amusing. The only real suggestion I can give here is to maybe find a different word to put into one of the lines in the last stanza because using she twice to rhyme is highly repetitive and not very creative. Just a suggestion, but I was thinking that maybe the last stanza could read more like:

Quick as a winking he
was clobbered handily.
Chicken forgotten, she
left with her nuns.

Just a thought to get rid of the she/she rhyme.

Peace,
Meckes
| Posted on 2007-05-08 00:00:00 | by Meckes | [ Reply to This ]

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