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    dots Submission Name: One Tiny Glassdots

    Author: psyko
    Elite Ratio:    3.5 - 376/168/66
    Words: 228
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 784
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1380

       I feel like this is very unfinished and could be better organized and I must say that I do not live alone, so i can also say that I was distracted by music that didn't fit the mood while I was writing and it FUCKED my SHIT up!

    anyway, enjoy

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOne Tiny Glassdots

    This day was very long for me,
    As the sun creeps below the trees.
    I stare at the light in front of me,
    I take in the calming breeze.

    I frown thinking about my day,
    As I stand on this balcony.
    One tiny glass goes up,
    One I empty so quickly.

    I smile as I feel the burn,
    And soon the glass refilled.
    Standing out to watch the sun,
    My world is suddenly stilled.

    I remember the boss yelling,
    Telling me that I'm no good.
    I remember yelling back at him,
    Just as he knew I would.

    I smile at the cruel words I said,
    In the mddle of my rant.
    One tiny glass goes up again.
    You tell me to stop; But I can't.

    Soon the stars will shine,
    While I'm reflecting on my life.
    One tiny glass full, and empty again.
    As I face my inner strife.

    Three shots down, and a whole bottle left to go.
    I struggle with my pain inside,
    Pain that I still know.

    One tiny glass goes up again,
    I feel it make me strong,
    The tiny glass is full again,
    Where did I go wrong?

    One tiny glass goes up again,
    Now the light is nearly faded.
    The glass goes up as I realize,
    My life is what I've made it.

    Submitted on 2007-05-08 13:14:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      stanza 4 line 2

    :In the mddle of my rant:

    middle is spelt wrong.

    other than that i dont see anything wrong with this. i love the self relization that you place into here its quite refreshing.

    though i do believe the last two stanzas kinda clash, the tiny lil glass goes up part, i think there to close together.

    but seriously this is very well writen the thought is very clear and your depth is kickass.

    good job hon

    | Posted on 2008-04-29 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      Everything's described rather elegantly but the monosyllabic rhymes and the rhyme scheme ranging from much too simple to purely inconsistent take away from that.
    | Posted on 2007-05-14 00:00:00 | by MyWorld | [ Reply to This ]
      thats awesome. i like the way you described the shot glass and everything.as far as i see the flow doesnt have to be PERFECT or the rhyming. honestly i don think you should change it at all.

    | Posted on 2007-05-11 00:00:00 | by skinnard | [ Reply to This ]
      "Three shots down, and a whole bottle left to go.
    I struggle with my pain inside,
    Pain that I still know."

    this breaks the flow of it. perhaps;

    "Three shots down, and
    a whole bottle left to go.
    I struggle with my pain inside,
    pain that I still know" ...?

    just a suggestion.

    this is good. i cant write rhyming poetry.

    | Posted on 2007-05-10 00:00:00 | by flyfire | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really a good poem.
    What a way.... to just drink away the pain, wonder and hurt.
    It mostly flows pretty well.
    Also, it doesnt sound unfinished. I think if you added more, it would make the poem almost too strong....too much.
    I like the ending. Where the reflecting, the questions, and the realization finally comes into focus.
    Good write Derik.

    | Posted on 2007-05-09 00:00:00 | by dreamer37517 | [ Reply to This ]
      oooh very nice. i like the way you refer to the shot glass. giving it a feigned innocents. beautifuly orchastrated. it seemed to speak to more than just those who understand that particular poison. it seemed to have a great passage of time

    "One tiny glass goes up again,
    I feel it make me strong,
    The tiny glass is full again,
    Where did I go wrong?"

    that sense of ignorance, and empowerment. nicey nice

    much luv

    | Posted on 2007-05-08 00:00:00 | by in shadow | [ Reply to This ]

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