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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: One Tiny Glassdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: psyko
    Elite Ratio:    3.5 - 376/168/66
    Words: 228
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 784
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1380



    Description:
       I feel like this is very unfinished and could be better organized and I must say that I do not live alone, so i can also say that I was distracted by music that didn't fit the mood while I was writing and it FUCKED my SHIT up!

    anyway, enjoy


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOne Tiny Glassdots
    -------------------------------------------


    This day was very long for me,
    As the sun creeps below the trees.
    I stare at the light in front of me,
    I take in the calming breeze.

    I frown thinking about my day,
    As I stand on this balcony.
    One tiny glass goes up,
    One I empty so quickly.

    I smile as I feel the burn,
    And soon the glass refilled.
    Standing out to watch the sun,
    My world is suddenly stilled.

    I remember the boss yelling,
    Telling me that I'm no good.
    I remember yelling back at him,
    Just as he knew I would.

    I smile at the cruel words I said,
    In the mddle of my rant.
    One tiny glass goes up again.
    You tell me to stop; But I can't.

    Soon the stars will shine,
    While I'm reflecting on my life.
    One tiny glass full, and empty again.
    As I face my inner strife.

    Three shots down, and a whole bottle left to go.
    I struggle with my pain inside,
    Pain that I still know.

    One tiny glass goes up again,
    I feel it make me strong,
    The tiny glass is full again,
    Where did I go wrong?

    One tiny glass goes up again,
    Now the light is nearly faded.
    The glass goes up as I realize,
    My life is what I've made it.




    Submitted on 2007-05-08 13:14:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      stanza 4 line 2

    :In the mddle of my rant:

    middle is spelt wrong.

    other than that i dont see anything wrong with this. i love the self relization that you place into here its quite refreshing.

    though i do believe the last two stanzas kinda clash, the tiny lil glass goes up part, i think there to close together.

    but seriously this is very well writen the thought is very clear and your depth is kickass.

    good job hon

    Nikki
    | Posted on 2008-04-29 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      Everything's described rather elegantly but the monosyllabic rhymes and the rhyme scheme ranging from much too simple to purely inconsistent take away from that.
    | Posted on 2007-05-14 00:00:00 | by MyWorld | [ Reply to This ]
      thats awesome. i like the way you described the shot glass and everything.as far as i see the flow doesnt have to be PERFECT or the rhyming. honestly i don think you should change it at all.

    Skin
    | Posted on 2007-05-11 00:00:00 | by skinnard | [ Reply to This ]
      "Three shots down, and a whole bottle left to go.
    I struggle with my pain inside,
    Pain that I still know."

    this breaks the flow of it. perhaps;

    "Three shots down, and
    a whole bottle left to go.
    I struggle with my pain inside,
    pain that I still know" ...?

    just a suggestion.

    this is good. i cant write rhyming poetry.

    flyfire.
    | Posted on 2007-05-10 00:00:00 | by flyfire | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really a good poem.
    What a way.... to just drink away the pain, wonder and hurt.
    It mostly flows pretty well.
    Also, it doesnt sound unfinished. I think if you added more, it would make the poem almost too strong....too much.
    I like the ending. Where the reflecting, the questions, and the realization finally comes into focus.
    Good write Derik.

    Ash
    | Posted on 2007-05-09 00:00:00 | by dreamer37517 | [ Reply to This ]
      oooh very nice. i like the way you refer to the shot glass. giving it a feigned innocents. beautifuly orchastrated. it seemed to speak to more than just those who understand that particular poison. it seemed to have a great passage of time

    "One tiny glass goes up again,
    I feel it make me strong,
    The tiny glass is full again,
    Where did I go wrong?"

    that sense of ignorance, and empowerment. nicey nice

    much luv

    Shadow
    | Posted on 2007-05-08 00:00:00 | by in shadow | [ Reply to This ]


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