Confusion by Lil gal

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Submission Name: Confusion dots

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Author:	Lil gal
ASL Info:	28/F-ya/here
Elite Ratio:	3.19 - 354/212/35
Words:	66

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	254
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	516

Description:
I was writing this while once again in a waiting room....
Anyway, I have more, but am not sure if I should keep going with it...let me know what you all think and how I can tweak it.

Confusion dots

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Confusion fogs the brain,
Making you think that your insane.

Shadowing thoughts in the concious mind,
ideas are now hard to find.

Truth is the ideal,
letting you know what is real.

Instead the darkness inhibits,
leaving you with what you exhibit.

Depression
Sadness
Loneliness
Pain.....don't let that be all that remains.

Cleanse your mind,
do all you can to redefine....yourself.

Submitted on 2007-05-08 13:52:31 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  I like it...

Confusion fogs the brain,
Making you think that your insane.

Would be my favorite lines. I tend to find that being one of my main problems from time to time.. Good write.
| Posted on 2007-05-23 00:00:00 | by Katlord | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey gal. It's a nice poem, but I think (just my opinion, don't listen to me) it needs to be just a little longer. And I know the two line stanzas are your thing, but it doesn't really work with this poem. It gives it a rather forced feeling. Maybe try longer stanzas with this one, or no stanzas at all. And maybe rearrange/combine some of them.

Example:
Confusion fogs the brain,
Shadowing thoughts in the concious mind.
Making you think that your insane.
Ideas now [becoming] hard to find.

I took out 'are' and added 'becoming'. You don't have to, but you get the idea I was getting at. Like I said, all this is only my opinion, so pay it no heed. In any case, it's a great poem and a great subject. And with a couple of tweaks, will become even better. Look forward to reading more of your stuff.

The Bird
| Posted on 2007-05-16 00:00:00 | by Swimming Bird | [ Reply to This ]
  This poem has a lot of potential. It has wonderful meaning, and I'm sure lots of thought went into it, because it shows. The only problem i have with it is that it seems like you were trying to hard to rhyme, and the majority of your concentration went into just that. There are plenty of poems out there that rhyme, but only some people can pull it off. I'm sure you can too, just not with this one. One thing I've tried is just writing the poem out with no rhymes, then afterwards, see if i can change the words around to rhyme them. That way, the first thing you are thinking about is the poem and what it is to mean and all that fun stuff...then the rhyming. Other than that, it was great. Good job!
| Posted on 2007-05-09 00:00:00 | by sussysabaslice | [ Reply to This ]
  Amen girl! Don't ever get down on yourself for being down but allow yourself the power to turn and manifest that depression, pain and darkness into love and giving light.

Have you tried meditation?

I always like your words and am sending you extra love,peace,joy,sunshine,and smiles all for yourself and some extras to share

tif
| Posted on 2007-05-09 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  Succint and nicely done ... it sounds very complete to my ear (I'm always afraid that I will make my poems too long, but that is just me.) deftly done ... bravo ... bravo ... bravo ... michael
| Posted on 2007-05-08 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]

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