You've Arrived

Author: Magic Dragon Elite Ratio:    5.11 - 62 /64 /38 Words: 72

Class/Type: Poetry /Love Total Views: 885 Average Vote:    No vote yet. Bytes: 482

Description:

---

You've Arrived

---

Alone in the dark By a river of black The stars do not shine With clouds in the way The silence is deep A blanket of lonliness The air smells of sulfer And is thick with smog A break in the clouds Shows that dawn is breaking The birds start to sing The air smells of flowers The sky brightens Making the river shine sapphire The smog dissipates You're finally here

Submitted on 2007-05-08 17:02:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_< 2: I dunno... 3: meh! 4: Pretty cool 5: Wow!

Comments

You're description is cute, because the 1st stanza is a bit dark and scary. But i love it, because without the change to the second stanza, it wouldn't be as beautiful at the end. This is a great concept, it really expressed your emotions while still containing originality. The line: "With clouds in the way" sticks out to me, it seems almost unneeded because when "the stars do not shine, and the silence is deep" look really nice right next to each other. But I don't know if taking it out of changing it would throw off the flow. Also when you talk about the break in the clouds and dawn breaking, it sounds a bit redundant, but that is my bias. Also, i really enjoyed all the different ways you described the darkness of the scene. It appealed to all of the senses and made me think of the some Lord of the Rings evil forest. "Shine sapphire" and "smog dissipates", both of those are great, nice diction there. Anyways, it was a pleasure to read, and I think your girlfriend will love it. :) tennisfuzz

| Posted on 2007-05-08 00:00:00 | by tennisfuzz | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest. 2. Try not to give only compliments. 3. How did it make you feel? 4. Why did it make you feel that way? 5. Which parts? 6. What distracted from the piece?

7. What was unclear? 8. What does it remind you of? 9. How could it be improved? 10. What would you have done differently? 11. What was your interpretation of it? 12. Does it feel original?

142141