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Author: Magic Dragon
Elite Ratio:    5.11 - 62 /64 /38
Words: 72
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 885
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 482


I wrote this for my girlfriend. I just wanted to see if anyone else thought it was any good. I'm just trying a not so dark and angry approach to poetry.

You've Arrived

Alone in the dark
By a river of black
The stars do not shine
With clouds in the way
The silence is deep
A blanket of lonliness
The air smells of sulfer
And is thick with smog

A break in the clouds
Shows that dawn is breaking
The birds start to sing
The air smells of flowers
The sky brightens
Making the river shine sapphire
The smog dissipates
You're finally here

Submitted on 2007-05-08 17:02:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
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  You're description is cute, because the 1st stanza is a bit dark and scary. But i love it, because without the change to the second stanza, it wouldn't be as beautiful at the end. This is a great concept, it really expressed your emotions while still containing originality.

The line: "With clouds in the way"
sticks out to me, it seems almost unneeded because when "the stars do not shine, and the silence is deep" look really nice right next to each other. But I don't know if taking it out of changing it would throw off the flow. Also when you talk about the break in the clouds and dawn breaking, it sounds a bit redundant, but that is my bias.

Also, i really enjoyed all the different ways you described the darkness of the scene. It appealed to all of the senses and made me think of the some Lord of the Rings evil forest. "Shine sapphire" and "smog dissipates", both of those are great, nice diction there. Anyways, it was a pleasure to read, and I think your girlfriend will love it.

:) tennisfuzz
| Posted on 2007-05-08 00:00:00 | by tennisfuzz | [ Reply to This ]

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