Description: ...Another poem i cannot explain. i think it's about regret. Regret for betraying soemone's heart, regret of lying ot that betrayed heart, regret for pretending...regret for...for...i don't know.
p.s. --there was no "regret" type, but "sorry" is close enough.
Daisy Destroyed (Burn This Lie) -------------------------------------------
Heaven burn this lie
wrap your flame
around these words
until they fall to ash.
heaven close your gates
and turn your face away
shield your eyes
from all my lies.
it burns across my face
i love you, i love you not
daisies are only broken hearts
lies can never heal.
heaven, burn this lie
wrap your flame
around my words
lest I make your angels cry.
Oh, for the love of god. I get it. You're anti-punctuation comments, you're anti-imagery needed criticism, and you're a TS Eliot fan. Fine.
The reason you should add some punctuation is to give the reader an idea of HOW YOU WANT THE POEM TO READ! Line breaks do not denote a pause. Commas, semi-colons, dashes, exclamation point, periods, and question marks tell the reader when to pause. So, try helping us outside of your head know what you intended.
You need to go either "Lies can never heal" or "Lies can't ever heal".
Check out the last line: it doesn't work. I think that's because the poem is about regret, not suicide or dying of mortification or whatever. A lot of poets write about several different things in the same poem - and my opinion is, that doesn't work!
I think the repetition in the last stanza is very effective - but the last line needs.......not my thoughts.......it needs you to puzzle over it some more!
I enjoyed reading it: a well- made poem is delightful just because of the sincere craftwork. And this poem is easy to understand - which is another thing that delights me!
I really like the honesty and feeling behind this! I too, as we all, can relate to the lies or hurt we do to others and the regret at times especially when done to those we love very much.
I especially like the first 2 stanza's. Perfectly worded I wouldn't change a thing. Heaven burn this lie
wrap your flame
around these words
until they fall to ash.
heaven close your gates
and turn your face away
shield your eyes
from all my lies
It could be me but I feel it lost something in the last 2. The feeling and wording just weren't there as they were in the begining. Maybe something to look at as definately a WOW in the works.
Submission Name: Daisy Destroyed (Burn This Lie)
