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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: 18 minus eighteendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lolavie
    ASL Info:    23/female/Michigan
    Elite Ratio:    3.26 - 70/175/103
    Words: 37
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 879
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 309



    Description:
       Do read FOR THE MOMENT after/before reading this for a better understanding. basically i feel after 18 years a decsion ive made will cause the next 18 to be ......very "nonexistent"... :(


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots18 minus eighteendots
    -------------------------------------------


    Soothing thunder
    sour cherries
    I cry and smile

    Floating life
    laying sideways
    I fall to sleep

    Rude awakening
    a child learning
    I teach my own

    Counted blessing
    smooth decisons?
    Im scared straight





    Submitted on 2004-06-14 07:40:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I said I would go in order, but I guess to avoid getting toooooooooooooo far behind I should at least cover the new ones each day as they come in as well. Besides, I should comment (read my journal too).

    Interpretation:
    18 minus eighteen = 0? Despair that what lies ahead is nothing, and I won't like others here comment on that (though am in best position to) for here I talk of art and I'm online if you need to talk of life.

    All right, I may be choosing wrong but I'll be arrogant and give this a structure of my own choosing. In every stanza, each line corresponds to a different time and or 'speaker'.

    So rewriting this to display what I mean, the first story is:
    Soothing thunder, floating life, rude awakening, counted blessing

    The second similarly is:
    sour cherries, laying sideways, a child learning smooth decisions?

    The third: I cry and smile, I fall to sleep, I teach my own, I'm scared straight.

    Why do I feel I can do this, well look at the above layout, first story with its 'ing words', the third with its first person, and though that may simply be stanza form (and yes the stories are intertwined with their own stanzas as well), the idea of three voices telling three things in this disjoint fashion is worthy of consideration. So what is being said?

    The first story, that of the child inside, hearing only the soothing sounds of its mother, floating there but in store for a rude awakening (harshness of life expected by its mother) though accounted a blessing in its time as mentioned by others.

    The second story is the child having this child, but not about having the child, it is about the circumstances that cause other doubt. The sweet and sour sensations of the situations leading to this predicament and yearning to not be on a rollercoaster of emotion as exists now (learning smooth decisions, and not passing from one confusion to another).

    The third story is the mother, feeling pain at the same time mixed with hope, and tired and telling herself she must be prepared and now she is scared into a lesson she isn't ready for but she has to figure out how to deal all the same.

    Of course, the stanzas themselves are also consistent, the combination yielding a fact for each. The first is in the style of opposites, noise both soothing and scary, taste, and emotion (and in that interpretation weep works just fine...)

    The second is about rest, one innocent, another in guilt, and one simply because it is needed.

    Third = education that life is and will bring to the participants.

    And the fourth is results, a blessing, a decision, and a fearful lesson.

    Changes... I'd say none, as it'd be more likely to destroy that which has by accident taken on more meanings than probably intended. I may be amiss in my belief in the three tales, but as I warn, I apply as much art in my reading and attempts to understand as I do in the established arts (be it poetry or otherwise).
    | Posted on 2004-06-14 00:00:00 | by DocJonathan | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with LadyChaos...It sounds like you're having a child and aren't too happy about it... I would count that as a blessing too... A lot of people cannot have children, and now it's your responsibilty to deal with this new child, you can't just get rid of it, whether you're not ready or not...
    | Posted on 2004-06-14 00:00:00 | by darkened_soul | [ Reply to This ]
      im getting from this that your having a kid...and not too happy about it...but its a counted blessing...no matter how far indisguise it decides to be..but don't think of the next 18 years as nonexistent...as much doubly existing, 18 for you and 18 for the little you.
    | Posted on 2004-06-14 00:00:00 | by LadyChaos | [ Reply to This ]
      well i take it that you were pregnant but i can not tell if you kept it. i am thinking that you did since in your discription you said that the next 18 to be ...very "nonexistent"... and when you said
    Rude awakening
    a child learning
    I teach my own
    so in this i thnk that you keept it. i read your other poem as well that is how i got the pregnant part. if you dont mind letting me know the meaning i would appretiate it. thanks. now back to your poem. i think that it was great and lots of emotion it it frome what i could see. you did a nice job. lia
    | Posted on 2004-06-14 00:00:00 | by lili | [ Reply to This ]
      I didn't understand the last two lines, now I am curious. I love how much imagery you mustered from so little words. It was great. But I think you can change one thing. "I weep and I smile" Weeping is downright brokenness, it is when you have nothing left and you wail uncontrolably. I suggest, though it sounds more boring, to add "I cry and smile" because you can't weep and smile at the same time, unless you are implying different times. Good job I liked it.
    | Posted on 2004-06-14 00:00:00 | by Indi Elf | [ Reply to This ]


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