Down the trampled road that I walk alone.
I pass a long forgotten place of death,
a dreadfully dreary and succumbing zone.
My steps begin to falter, one last breath.
Growing darkness comes, as the trampled road
comes to a fork. Giving me choice where there,
was none before. Tempting my soul to erode.
Faltering, I fall into a prayer.
Oh God, hear my call this forsaken night.
Let me not be tempted by this dark creature,
but guide me home to the lovely dawn light.
Drown my soul in the bliss of nature.
On this trampled road, I have passed away,
but a spirit appears and my fears decay.
| Sonnets are usually written in iambic pentameter: da-DA- da-DA- da-DA- da-DA- da-DA. If someone decided to use trochaic pentameter (DA-da), it would be no poetic sin. What is a sin is inconsistency. The 1st line is:|
DOWN the TRAMpled ROAD that I (WALK) aLONE. It starts trochaic, which requires the “I” to be accented; but “walk” also has to have an accented beat because “alone” begins with an unaccented one. Yes, some very good poets use a bit of “sliding through” to elide a bit of meter-fudging: ROAD that-i WALK aLONE.
But if we accept the trochaic of L1, there is no way to carry it forward: i PASS aLONG a LONG forGOTten PLACE of DEATH. This is perfect iambic! Trying to reverse the beat sounds totally unnatural.
L3 has some dactyllic problems: a DREAD-ful-ly can be said in no other rhythm. The way to fix this is frequently used by poets: “a dreadful, dreary and succumbing...” Although I don’t care for “succumbing”, it works as rhythm.
No doubt you think these nits are unimportant, but you have chosen to write in a sonnet form. There are rules to such a form, and by choosing it, you have accepted the challenge of sticking to those rules.
In fact, this is much better than many sonnets I’ve read on this site. Though a bit too reminiscent of Poe (whom I like very much), there are many other aspects of this write that I like: The occasional enjambment; the fairly ‘natural’ feel to your rhymes (meaning little feeling of being ‘forced’); the consistency of theme; the careful laying out of scene, which aids imagery; the ability to actually tell a story; and the willingness to take up the challenge of writing a sonnet. All these I respect a great deal.
|| Posted on 2007-05-13 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ] |