I like the idea, and I find the words... deep. Well, as lark said, I'm not sure if being able to relate to this piece is a good thing or not. It's really... sad. As for the writing format, since every first line of every verse starts with 'With...', was thinking that starting the second lines with 'A...' would make things consistent, eg, 'A spirit spirals...', 'An existence lived...'.
Still, it's just an opinion. You have your own style, so, keep it up. :)
damn. is it bad that i can relate to this? maybe it is maybe not. i like the hopelessness and i dont. but u have to choose a way to go with it and this way works for it. flows and rhymes nice. and the word choice is great, some may say its a bit much but i like it so fcuk them ha. woo.