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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: To Standdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: giventofly
    ASL Info:    19/M/Seattle, Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.22 - 74/75/27
    Words: 94
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 787
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 577



    Description:
       This is an older piece of mine... not exactly positive that I can remember what the subject is, but I think it was more of an experimentation with more real, hard mental imagery.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTo Standdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Eager.
    Far too eagerÖ
    Cold metals sleep in my brain
    and black ink creeps in my skin
    and condemnation latches onto my heart,
    employed as bricklayer for my prison.

    Itís all nothing? I think not.
    Still-lifes and self portraits
    are one in the same today.
    Öor any day these days.

    Will my bleeding corpse
    be there to catch the settling dust?
    Öor fall at my feet along with the others?
    Do I have it in me to hold my life in my hands?
    Do I have it in me to stand?




    Submitted on 2007-05-15 08:16:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      If you meant to convey gloom, let me tell you that you certainly did wonderfully at it.

    The first stanza is, in my view, is the strongest and the most powerful, the imagery there is quite astonishing and utterly striking. It seems as though your not using any rhyme to introduce the poem were intentional so as to make it sounds sharper. It still puzzles me why you decided not to use it since it might have been just a coincidence your not doing it yet it sounds convoluted but a sort of strangely effective sort of way.

    As to what I got in the first stanza, I can see a person that undergoes confusion but at a massive level and feels trapped and entangled up to the neck in quagmire, metaphorically speaking, of course.

    In stanza 2 you appear to be rather pejorative against humankind and their coldness towards Ö dunno probably you and the rest of the world, for that matter. You, to my mind, remark that we are like pictures that show only the surface of things or of ourselves. I may be mistaken for sometimes a pictures says more than words and can as well be interpreted but they donít move or produce feeling and thatís is precisely my point.

    The last bit/stanza appears to be quite complex, you mentioned ďa bleeding corpseĒ which would lead me to believe that you picture yourselves dead or that you harbour suicidal thoughts at the same time. The third line of the aforesaid stanza has almost a religious connotation together with the following. I can faintly see you ruminating over about were we go after we die. And in the last bit you seem to be wondering whether itís right or wrong to do away yourself which Iím not sure was the right ending ÖÖ

    I know that I may have gotten the wrong idea or maybe I misunderstood the message but thatís what I got after having read your piece which is by the way very scintillating.


    Thatís all I have to say,


    Warm regards,


    Ethan.


    | Posted on 2007-08-18 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm... well when you wrote this you were just experiementing with imagery, and you should keep on with that, but I can't say that I really latch onto the imagery here. It's a very piecemeal forming of imagery that doesn't really string together a constant set of metaphors, but maybe almost haphazardly strung together lines. As for the meter and rhyme, same with that, you should go with either a fragmented non-meter work, or with a metered work. It should either rhyme or not rhyme, but it half-rhymes, is half- metered... and that doesn't sit well with me.
    | Posted on 2007-05-16 00:00:00 | by yonkit | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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