im not sure who this song is to [though i know it isnt to me] but i sure hope they appreciate it
its always hard to read lyrics on this site because one cannot hear it the way the writer intends it to be heard.
and i know i cannot apply poetic critique tools to lyrics but i would want to say that i would think about lessening the repetition of 'the rain' throughout the song...
you know when you were learning to spell and the teacher made you write each word on your list out 10 times and then put it into a sentence but when you got to the sentence stage the word meant nothing and the letters didnt seem real... its kinda like that when you repeat words too much throughout a piece
having said that it could be completely different when sung i mean... im sitting here listening to leonard cohen and he is singing
everybody knows that its now or never
everybody knows that its me or you
and everybody knows that you life forever
when you done a line or two
and the repetition of everybody knows doesnt get on my nerves at all.
so i guess... if it works in your song and isnt noticable then you have done well
i think this is a beautiful gesture.
i hope it all works out for you