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I tried to think of a way to rewrite this without using the word "I", but my brain froze. Any suggestions?
When I look into your eyes
I let go and fall into
A thousand sleepy mornings
And a thousand restless nights.
I am breathless anticipating
The warmth of your eyes' embrace.
No cold wind to bring me
Back to the moments sitting
Where these thoughts of mine reflect
Against the window of your soul.
Like a beacon in the night,
What do you look for?
The space across our coffee table,
Fingertips, that will not touch.
My words a haunting melody,
As I freefall in your love.
Submitted on 2004-06-14 15:03:04
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This is really pretty and nice. I like it a lot. I didn't find it shaky, but I've never been one to scan or anything like that.
| Posted on 2004-06-15 00:00:00 | by
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I really like this one, even though the flow seemed kind of shaky. It might just be me though, so don't take it harshly. I liked the imagery and the 'freefall in your love' part. Great job overall.
| Posted on 2004-06-14 00:00:00 | by
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Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [
1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?
Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.
Vortex: The Imagination That Is
Live In Between
In a Corner
// Seasonal Song
A Thousand Reflections
Things They (Don't) Say
Reliquary of Writ
When Sirens Whisper
The Human Harmonic
A Sense Of Things
To the Artist
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