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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: kiss theifdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: chilz
    ASL Info:    20/F/WA
    Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 137/147/84
    Words: 72
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 187
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 537



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotskiss theifdots
    -------------------------------------------


    There you are hovering over me,
    Crying soft silents wishes.
    Hardly moving, barely breathing,
    Salty rivers running across your cheeks.

    Slowly you return besides me,
    My soul parrellel to yours.
    Whimpers of "Why"s and "how could you"s,
    Fight their way through swollen lips.


    You head bows down to mine,
    Your eyes close to match mine.
    Silently and swiftly stealing my kisses,
    While you watch me in lonely slumber.




    Submitted on 2007-05-17 23:22:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Definitivly a much better ending. I really love the way you say it. Keep going on your beautiful work!

    Gothik
    | Posted on 2007-05-22 00:00:00 | by Gothik | [ Reply to This ]
      well I guess I agree with gothik, but you can do better on this one

    a couple things I noticed you might want to fix

    :salty rivers running across you cheeks,
    could use different words, to make it more diverse and less cliché

    " my soul parrell to yours"
    :did you mean parallel?

    :and the last thing would be the possibly unintentional rhyme of 'mine' at the last stanza

    just a thought,
    you can leave it as you like for all I care

    good job, mjs
    | Posted on 2007-05-19 00:00:00 | by mjstrees | [ Reply to This ]
      Pretty good work we got here. Lots of feelings I sense in this piece. You got a good opening, wish by the way is awesomely written.

    Entering the second one, who find a nice way to conduct it from sadness to, what I personnally feel like, a mix of anger and desolation... the kind of feeling you'd get right after learning someone cheated on you... or just abandoned you without reason.

    Unfortunatly, I got a little something against the last line. The whole thing is pretty good. But that one and only line feels like a leftover along the lines. I just don't think it'd fit there.

    I understand the allusion you actually try to conduct. I just don't think you should have used it there.

    Otherwise, you did an awesome job and keep writing, I'll look forward to read more of your work.


    Gothik

    PS. Always be true to your art is the key. If you like your work that way, don't touch it. You are the only master of your art. ;)
    | Posted on 2007-05-18 00:00:00 | by Gothik | [ Reply to This ]



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