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    dots Submission Name: the subterraneans. dots

    Author: Melora
    Elite Ratio:    3.28 - 175/198/128
    Words: 673
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1198
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 4134

       it's the beginning of a play that i'm working on. feedback?

    p.s. i've been reading excessive amounts of jack kerouac. it may show up here.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe subterraneans. dots


    NOAH (18), a boy who lives for music and tries to be badass.
    BIRDIE (16), Noah’s cousin; wants to do something extraordinary.
    WALTER (mid-40s), a self-professed mystic who lives under the Langdon Street bridge.

    SCENE: Noah’s room. There are various ska/reggae/punk posters on the walls. Reel Big Fish, Bob Marley, Sublime, etc. A guitar sits in the corner.

    AT RISE: Noah and Birdie are sitting up against the bed, their chins propped in their hands, each staring off into a different direction. Sublime’s “Santeria” plays quietly in the background.

    NOAH (to the air)
    I once told a girl she could be in the band…and I said “in,” not “with,” so for once in her life she wouldn’t be the groupie. She had a blue Fender Strat…I remember, because her hair matched her eyes and her eyes matched her guitar. And when she auditioned it was like…Caribbean blue under Halogen light. Her name was Emily, I think, or Emma. Something like that. She got real excited, too, when I told her she was in. We jammed that day. On House of The Rising Sun. There was a line: “it’s been the ruin of many a poor boy,” but she sang, “it’s been the home of many a poor boy.” And then she said, “God, I know, I’m one.” And she just stood there, and played a walk-down from C add 9 to A7 and it just sounded like a sigh. I swear, every inch of her that wasn’t skin was blue. She told me she got an aura reading once, and it was bright poppy red. Just goes to show, I guess. She never joined the band. I never saw her again.

    BIRDIE (to the air)
    A girl once asked me if light was bad for the eyes. She said her vision improved when she was high. I knew her from somewhere…I think her brother was dating my friend. She used to sing soprano at all the school functions, and the sophomores would try to toss money down the front of her paisley dresses. She’d make them herself—one dress in three hours. She said after awhile she got sick of all the paisley, but after staring at it for so long she started seeing it everywhere. She doesn’t make those dresses anymore. They smelled like patchouli, a little like quarters and a little like clementines, you know, that citrus-y smell, and when she grew she’d let the hems down herself. Her name was Mimi. She detoxed senior year. That summer she got glasses.

    “Santeria” plays for a few moments. Lights dim, then rise again, but it’s clearly nighttime. BIRDIE is asleep on NOAH’S shoulder.

    Birdie…? Birdie!

    NOAH shakes BIRDIE.

    What time is it?

    Eleven-thirty-ish. We should leave soon. It’s a half-hour walk.

    BIRDIE glances at the clock and rubs her eyes.

    BIRDIE (loudly)
    Did you turn the alarm off?

    Shhh! No, I couldn’t find the manual. This’ll work, though.

    NOAH unplugs the clock. BIRDIE opens her mouth to say something. NOAH claps his hand over her mouth.

    I’ve got everything we need. Every color in the spectrum! We’re ready to go, I think.

    NOAH pats a plastic bag next to him. BIRDIE squirms, and NOAH lets go of her mouth.

    Are you ready?

    I don’t know. I feel…illicit. A little like gold. Illicit gold. Smuggler’s gold.

    Illicit? Birdie, you wrote on the walls until…you got to that age where it stopped being cute.

    Then get your shoes. We’d better leave before I change my mind.

    Or lose it.

    BIRDIE sticks her tongue out at NOAH as they lace up Converse. Lights dim.

    Submitted on 2007-05-18 16:39:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hee hee drugs! Ha ha ha ha...I feel high after reading this.

    I would totally go see this if you ever made it into a play. I love this. It's like a wonderful drink of 60s existentialism and psychedelia (even though it takes place in modern day). I don't do drugs, and I never will, but this piece almost made me feel like I had done something...something wonderful...something like life! something like abstract explosions!

    *Sigh* I wish I could be in this play somehow. It would be fun.

    Excellent work, Melora! I want to see more of this!
    | Posted on 2007-10-24 00:00:00 | by AsiaticFox | [ Reply to This ]
      lol i would totally buy that script from you and make it into a gothic play ~~

    but overall I think you did well
    it was somewhat developed
    yet it could use more work
    on feelings
    you have to really develop character in the first few lines of the introduction of that character

    good job,

    | Posted on 2007-05-19 00:00:00 | by mjstrees | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not sure I understand, but then again it's just the beginning, and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to understand. You might want to put in the charcter description that Birdie is a girl, because I didn't realize it until she was finnished talking. But I guess it gets kudos because I love Sublime. Espescially that song. I love theare and I always find myself reading screen plays, and scripts. So I hope you work on it some more, because I'd love to hear what happens. =]
    | Posted on 2007-05-18 00:00:00 | by Coffee Brake | [ Reply to This ]

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