Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Breaking Pointdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 230/385/134
    Words: 167
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 841
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1235



    Description:
       
    I get the feeling my punctuation on the last stanza is off. The final line is supposed to be describing the world (not myself), and I'm not sure if that's readily apparent. Suggestions?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Breaking Pointdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The breathlessness of mist-bearded stars
    and the pervasive vibration of telephone poles
    clashed together in a discordant harmony
    so loud and insistent that my bones ached
    and forced me to the ground like an animal,
    bewildered and terrified of vast spaces.

    My head paddled itself into the
    four darkest corners of the universe
    and shattered in a thousand epiphanies.
    Prostrate, I turned the dewed grass salty,
    with fingertips impaling the earth in elegy
    of my two-seconds-ago self, lost forever.

    If there is a God, the poles hummed,
    or rather if there is a god, then
    no father has ever been so absent.

    If there is a god, my eyes sibilated
    as they melted in a funeralís pace,
    we want nothing of such faulty divinity.

    Dizzy with an inexplicable melancholy euphoria,
    I clung to myself and giggled deliriously
    as the world careened in a drunken circle,
    very human, very cold, and very beautiful.




    Submitted on 2007-05-19 21:21:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hmmm, I'm not a fan of descriptions: credit your readers with intelligence. If they don't know words or phrases, let them look them up in a dictionary.
    And of course the italics are important: you wouldn't have them otherwise.

    Considering the first line of a poem is crucial in anchoring your readers' attention, starting off with "the" is a bit boring, really.

    I could go to work on verbosity and abstract terminology (stars don't have beards) but am not going to here...what would be the point?

    Instead I read this poem as you gave it: jarring realisation of mortality, of realising what it is to be human and alive, to not just feel or live but rather to perceive and experience.
    It's shocking. A mental earthquake.

    I think you hit the mark bang-on: a screaming, disjointed mental state that lasts a light year and is gone in a second. Your vocabulary excels here and I read this easily, each line clanging and smashing its way to the brain.
    An excellent portrayal of epiphany.

    My suggestions on your technical style would be to lose some of the bland filler:

    ...Breathless, mist-bearded stars
    and pervasive, vibrating telephone poles
    clashed together in discordant harmony....

    Something like that. As for the ending punctuation, I think you're okay. Though personally I might end on ellipsis. Just me, though.

    Lea

    | Posted on 2007-05-19 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
      bonus points of the word elegy
    thats one of my favorites

    let me just say wow.
    I love you.

    I like this poem so much its going on my favorites
    you have a great talent for creative writing, and furthermore you have great ability to describe and create vivid pictures out of mere words
    a true talent.

    thanks,

    mjs
    | Posted on 2007-05-19 00:00:00 | by mjstrees | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    142952

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Giving written by jjd
    untitled written by Chelebel
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    Fasade written by jackz
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Summer written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    One Day written by WriteSomething

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry