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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Breaking Pointdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.06 - 230/384/131
    Words: 167
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 830
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1235



    Description:
       
    I get the feeling my punctuation on the last stanza is off. The final line is supposed to be describing the world (not myself), and I'm not sure if that's readily apparent. Suggestions?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Breaking Pointdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The breathlessness of mist-bearded stars
    and the pervasive vibration of telephone poles
    clashed together in a discordant harmony
    so loud and insistent that my bones ached
    and forced me to the ground like an animal,
    bewildered and terrified of vast spaces.

    My head paddled itself into the
    four darkest corners of the universe
    and shattered in a thousand epiphanies.
    Prostrate, I turned the dewed grass salty,
    with fingertips impaling the earth in elegy
    of my two-seconds-ago self, lost forever.

    If there is a God, the poles hummed,
    or rather if there is a god, then
    no father has ever been so absent.

    If there is a god, my eyes sibilated
    as they melted in a funeralís pace,
    we want nothing of such faulty divinity.

    Dizzy with an inexplicable melancholy euphoria,
    I clung to myself and giggled deliriously
    as the world careened in a drunken circle,
    very human, very cold, and very beautiful.




    Submitted on 2007-05-19 21:21:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hmmm, I'm not a fan of descriptions: credit your readers with intelligence. If they don't know words or phrases, let them look them up in a dictionary.
    And of course the italics are important: you wouldn't have them otherwise.

    Considering the first line of a poem is crucial in anchoring your readers' attention, starting off with "the" is a bit boring, really.

    I could go to work on verbosity and abstract terminology (stars don't have beards) but am not going to here...what would be the point?

    Instead I read this poem as you gave it: jarring realisation of mortality, of realising what it is to be human and alive, to not just feel or live but rather to perceive and experience.
    It's shocking. A mental earthquake.

    I think you hit the mark bang-on: a screaming, disjointed mental state that lasts a light year and is gone in a second. Your vocabulary excels here and I read this easily, each line clanging and smashing its way to the brain.
    An excellent portrayal of epiphany.

    My suggestions on your technical style would be to lose some of the bland filler:

    ...Breathless, mist-bearded stars
    and pervasive, vibrating telephone poles
    clashed together in discordant harmony....

    Something like that. As for the ending punctuation, I think you're okay. Though personally I might end on ellipsis. Just me, though.

    Lea

    | Posted on 2007-05-19 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
      bonus points of the word elegy
    thats one of my favorites

    let me just say wow.
    I love you.

    I like this poem so much its going on my favorites
    you have a great talent for creative writing, and furthermore you have great ability to describe and create vivid pictures out of mere words
    a true talent.

    thanks,

    mjs
    | Posted on 2007-05-19 00:00:00 | by mjstrees | [ Reply to This ]


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