Description: This actually about my diet fom last summer. I was 210 pounds in May 06, which is heavy for me. Dieting and exercising,I lost 38 pounds and now that I am out of school, I am trying to get down to 165, my ideal body weight.
Beauty at the Running Track -------------------------------------------
The fat man jogging
gut overlays elastic
911 on speed dial
Lap four, still labors
in the sweat of his brow
rhythm like a 3-legged mule
past the point of
and blaming God.
Summer ends with
38 pounds of
Raises me the will
to be risen with the sun
and not nap by afternoon.
i mean... you take the sarcasm that drips off this piece... the title works in well with that... clearly you were anything but beautiful at the track and quite possibly felt anything but beautiful running round the track
if you take beauty as another word for determination or the stedfast commitment to achieving dreams then it works that way too...
it doesnt seem to me that this weight loss is to gain "beauty" but rather to be able to participate in the sport you love and feel good and healthy while doing it. thats the greatest goal ever.
i do agree with saartha about the first stanza being choppier than the rest... it would be cool if they all had the same sound/feel to them but thats up to you.
i LOVED the 3 legged mule thing.
thats SO how i felt when i started going to the gym at the start of the year and no doubt how i will feel when i finally get back there after coming off my motorbike 13 weeks ago and breaking my collarbone. ive sat round and undone all the work i did at the gym which is rather depressing but i guess... if ive felt good about myself once i can achieve that again once i am healed enough to get back into it.
i really like this piece.
good luck with reaching your ideal and keep up the good work
Geez, 38 pounds in one summer? That's pretty impressive, right there.
As for the poem itself, you managed to discuss the issue without being blatant, which I respect greatly. I think the one part I would change in a rewrite would be the second line. All of the other stanzas have a complete continuation (they're whole sentences). The second line, or really the whole first stanza, is broken up. 'The fat man jogging/gut overlays elastic/911 on speed dial' is great imagery, but has no connection as far as sentence structures go. In order for it to match with the rest of the poem, it should be roughly like 'The fat man jogs with/gut overlaying elastic/and 911 on speed dial.' Or something like that.
But, that's a very picky detail, and it probably wouldn't bother anyone else. I'm just a sentence Nazi. From a purely image-based standpoint, this is a great poem. Keep up the good work, and good luck with reaching your IBW.
Bravo for this read. It's encouraging to see that you stuck to it. The poem itself is well written, with a bit of self humor that I really like. You gave us good imagery and good detail on the emotion and energy of the subject and event. I love the ending- no more sleeping till noon. You now have a new look on life and want to enjoy every minute of it. I wish I awoke every morning with that same attitude. The title, also, is very fitting to the poem.