Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sentimental Liesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Wired
    Elite Ratio:    7.76 - 21/11/16
    Words: 174
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Dark
    Total Views: 600
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1102



    Description:
       A new song. Not sure if it's going on the album just yet.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSentimental Liesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sentimental Lies

    In a box of your sentimental things
    That only your eyes see
    Could bring me to my knees
    The memories I’d find…

    Stories so insane
    And the pictures of your pain
    All the things that you disdain
    Why your life was so unkind?

    Your sentimental lies
    And all the times you cried
    I would have died

    I know how hard you tried
    And I know your hands were tied
    I know the truth that you defied
    Such a childhood it’s a crime

    I hope that you preserve
    The life that you deserve
    It’s the purpose that I serve
    It will be different this time

    I promise you tonight
    It will all turn out alright
    The things you go through now
    Will all be worth it someday, somehow…

    I will try to be the one
    So the damage is undone
    So you never need to run
    So you never have to hide

    Your sentimental eyes
    I hope they’re open wide
    I’m by your side




    Submitted on 2007-05-21 03:03:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      its really hard to comment on lyrics because one can never hear the music/vocals that accompany the songs.
    in poetry rhyming annoys me no end but some of my favourite (and infact the worlds favourite) songs are all about rhyme but when there is music involved the rhyme seems less harsh.

    i see a red door and i want to paint it black
    no colour any more i want it to turn black
    i see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
    i have to turn my head until my darkness goes

    see?

    so i cannot bash the obviousness of your rhyming and yet when i read it it frustrates me no end.

    i think mostly you need to make sure you stay away from cliché ideas/lines.

    sentimental lies.
    flesh that out a lil. what are they and how can one spot them?

    your subtle change from lies to eyes at the end is a good one... almost predictable but not quite.

    what genre is the song?
    im assuming since you say album in your description that you have one in the making and therefore write/play music or are in a band...

    welll... good luck.
    sorry my comment isnt much use.
    | Posted on 2007-05-21 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    143021

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Dream written by closetpoet
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    The World written by jjd
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    A bit of Pain written by teika5

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry