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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Beauty. In the Eye of the Beholderdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Keiran
    ASL Info:    20/M/NZ
    Elite Ratio:    5.64 - 40/47/33
    Words: 449
    Class/Type: Poetry/Legend
    Total Views: 1148
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 5268



    Description:
       My newest piece, first draft so I want as much feedback as possible. I expect to revise this quite a bit.

    Also if anyone has ideas for a better title then give them to me.

    Enjoy

    ~Keiran~


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBeauty. In the Eye of the Beholderdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I


    Rythmic keys, match the mood,
    of something new.


    Captivating movement, on the
    checkered floor,
    black to white, and back to black.


    Dresses twirl like flowers in a flurry,
    caught in the winds of hopeful love.


    As partners sway softly,
    from side to side, eyes glistening in the aura,
    of a sole light.


    In the shadowy ballroom,
    where dancers never sleep,
    crystal clothing, flickers again,
    entrancing....


    II


    Soft strings, holding the feeling,
    a dream that continues.


    Slow dance about the august columns,
    marking the borders of time and not.


    Grow old watching,
    the youthful spin below, eternity in their eyes.


    Time fled in a silver carriage,
    chased away by insatiable hearts,
    never to return.


    In the shadowy ballroom,
    where dancers never sleep,
    lonely hearts meet,
    forever...


    III


    Sweet melody, sifts the heart,
    emotion carries us forward.


    No tears, dripping from their eyes,
    to a marble floor, worn by myriad feet.


    Smiles gone from these faces, forgetful of the past,
    and fragmented dreams.


    So caught in this moment, the here, and the now,
    as they step twice over life,
    a rythym of grand escape.


    In the shadow ballroom,
    where dancers never sleep,
    expressions are without vivid colour,
    cold...


    IV


    Deep bass, underscoring the moment,
    sweeps us away


    Movements quicken,
    hurrying to some unearthly and unheard tune.


    Beauty encapsulated, in flawless steps,
    synchronised and swift.


    Tempo builds, faster, faster,
    yet no strain on their faces,
    stone cold, as they hit each mark.


    In the shadowy ballroom,
    where dancers never sleep,
    even the fastest are never free,
    perfection...


    V


    Staccato drums, cut the air,
    don't look away.


    Watch them! Watch them now!
    As the crescendo approaches.


    Flinging themselves, from side to side,
    effortlessly.


    Flying majestically through the air,
    jumps and leaps,
    can't break them, from each other.


    In the shadowy ballroom,
    where dancers never sleep,
    they are to the music,
    slaves...




    Submitted on 2007-05-21 18:46:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The title depends mainly on how you meant it to be read. "Beauty Entranced" perhaps?
    | Posted on 2007-09-14 00:00:00 | by orange | [ Reply to This ]
      It's all been said save for the title. Depends on how you meant it to be read, perhaps, Entranced Beauty?

    ~orange
    | Posted on 2007-09-14 00:00:00 | by orange | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow I really like this poem, I like the fantasy images it conveys when implying a much deeper meaning, it makes the reader search more profoundly into the poem for the meaning and analyse just why it’s portrayed in that sense.

    The images are lovely especially in these two stanzas:

    “Dresses twirl like flowers in a flurry,
    caught in the winds of hopeful love.”

    “As partners sway softly,
    from side to side, eyes glistening in the aura,
    of a sole light.”

    And there are so many superb descriptions after, which if I named them all I’d be quoting over half the poem lol.


    Now down to feedback

    If as you say you’re going to do a revision on the poem then I would suggest the following:

    * Use longer stanza’s to help to contribute more to your idea’s – this ensures that you’re not limiting yourself on the descriptions, and you can express an idea that goes far beyond the frequent two line stanza. This gives a more profound insight to the meaning.

    * Change the flow of the poem in some of the separate segments – The way you separated your ideas is very good, but perhaps what would make it even better is changing the flow of the poem in each different one. For example, you can change the lengths of the stanza’s completely using longer descriptions to one part, and shorter and to the point descriptions (like the two line’s stanza’s) in another.

    * You can even make one section rhyme to completely change the structure and get people thinking. Because if the flow is consistent throughout the poem then it may make the reader’s mind wonder a bit.

    * Use Allegory – some poems give a more profound reading if the events and idea’s are played out in an action, in other words they work better with allegory (A narrative in which characters represent ideas). Give personification to an extended metaphor and play about with the actions and consequences your imaginary creation could be.

    * Use emotive and persuasive writing - Some people consider the art of persuasive writing (to make the audience come around to your way of thinking) is the word ‘O’.

    * Include technical terms and figurative language - such as alliterations, assonance, antithesis, hyperbole, symbolism and onomatopoeia. You use similes and metaphors well, but as I mentioned try using extended metaphors, adding personification and playing around with it.

    This stanza pretty much sums up the whole poem:

    “In the shadowy ballroom,
    where dancers never sleep,
    they are to the music,
    slaves...”

    My biggest criticism would have to be the lack of allergy, you seem to portray time and music as the villain throughout the piece and although I’m not exactly sure what the music is symbolic for in this piece, I’m sure if you take the two as villains and add an element of personification and character to them, you can have them dominate the piece and highlight the consequence of them.

    (I’m not exactly sure if I’m making sense, maybe if I give you an example it would be clearer, erm…like the Jack Frost in my poem Frozen. He’s symbolic for the changing ways that take the romance away from society, and the lax in morals that contribute to licentious attitudes. I took all the bad things in my poem and gave them a form of personification and presented them as Jack Frost, a hated and feared character, the ‘King of Winter’ which is symbolically responsible for death. And I used the extended metaphor of children, the next generation being the flowers that are ‘indoctrinated’ and corrupted by the teachings. I suppose if you take it in a religious aspect then Jack Frost can also be symbolic of the devil, which means I also broke stereotypical conventions of the devil symbolising fire, but the ice and the theme of winter symbolise the cold way in which these attitudes creep over. Ice and snow can sometimes look pretty so it shows how appealing these ideas can sometimes appear, but I’ve also stated the consequences of them.) (Jack Frost is very uncreative of me though I know lol).

    This poem is definitely going to be added to my favourites purely because the use of imagery and figurative language. You have a true gem in the making here and if you need any help or suggestions for the re-write just let me know and I’ll see if I can come up with any idea’s.

    Xx*~Linzi~*xX
    | Posted on 2007-05-22 00:00:00 | by Linzi | [ Reply to This ]
      very good composition here
    I like the employment of form and design foremost but let me say I thought you did well on this piece, an dividing it into sections did you well. Good use of punctuation, and detail throughout , although some words may be a little cliché. Not too bad though.

    mjs-
    | Posted on 2007-05-21 00:00:00 | by mjstrees | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    143073

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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