We used to sit on the ancient bench
Often, as the sun slipped away behind the trees
Leaving cotton-candy streaks
"but I'd rather look at you".
We talked until there was nothing to talk about
And then we talked some more.
There was never any place better
Than beside that shallow creek
Under the bent Maple and the dead Elm
With my head on your shoulder
and your hand holding mine.
There was nothing between us
Except something we might call love
If we weren't so terrified.
i agree with mandi on this
It could use a different word choice here and there
and maybe a little bit more punch to it
but you did alright
I liked the imagery you provided
though it could be enhanced
but good job
It's not bad, but your imagery and emotion are just a little bit lacking, as is your word use. Try using a broader vocablulary and adding a little more inflection to the piece. I really like the premise, and the ending is nice. Revise it up some and I think it could go from good to excellent. But I enjoyed it very much :)