Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Terrifieddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: freshcookies
    Elite Ratio:    4.15 - 63/77/45
    Words: 87
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 992
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 584



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTerrifieddots
    -------------------------------------------


    We used to sit on the ancient bench
    Often, as the sun slipped away behind the trees
    Leaving cotton-candy streaks
    "but I'd rather look at you".
    We talked until there was nothing to talk about
    And then we talked some more.
    There was never any place better
    Than beside that shallow creek
    Under the bent Maple and the dead Elm
    With my head on your shoulder
    and your hand holding mine.
    There was nothing between us
    Except something we might call love
    If we weren't so terrified.




    Submitted on 2007-05-21 22:07:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i agree with mandi on this
    It could use a different word choice here and there
    and maybe a little bit more punch to it
    but you did alright
    I liked the imagery you provided
    though it could be enhanced
    but good job

    mjs-
    | Posted on 2007-05-22 00:00:00 | by mjstrees | [ Reply to This ]
      It's not bad, but your imagery and emotion are just a little bit lacking, as is your word use. Try using a broader vocablulary and adding a little more inflection to the piece. I really like the premise, and the ending is nice. Revise it up some and I think it could go from good to excellent. But I enjoyed it very much :)

    Cheers and God bless,

    ~Mandi~
    | Posted on 2007-05-22 00:00:00 | by Mandi Gayle | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    143089

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry