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    dots Submission Name: Terrifieddots

    Author: freshcookies
    Elite Ratio:    4.15 - 63/77/45
    Words: 87
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 992
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 584


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    We used to sit on the ancient bench
    Often, as the sun slipped away behind the trees
    Leaving cotton-candy streaks
    "but I'd rather look at you".
    We talked until there was nothing to talk about
    And then we talked some more.
    There was never any place better
    Than beside that shallow creek
    Under the bent Maple and the dead Elm
    With my head on your shoulder
    and your hand holding mine.
    There was nothing between us
    Except something we might call love
    If we weren't so terrified.

    Submitted on 2007-05-21 22:07:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i agree with mandi on this
    It could use a different word choice here and there
    and maybe a little bit more punch to it
    but you did alright
    I liked the imagery you provided
    though it could be enhanced
    but good job

    | Posted on 2007-05-22 00:00:00 | by mjstrees | [ Reply to This ]
      It's not bad, but your imagery and emotion are just a little bit lacking, as is your word use. Try using a broader vocablulary and adding a little more inflection to the piece. I really like the premise, and the ending is nice. Revise it up some and I think it could go from good to excellent. But I enjoyed it very much :)

    Cheers and God bless,

    | Posted on 2007-05-22 00:00:00 | by Mandi Gayle | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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