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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: prophecies on the situationdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: blu_kittin
    ASL Info:    20/F/Garden of Eden
    Elite Ratio:    6.15 - 711/397/207
    Words: 503
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Trapped
    Total Views: 899
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2843



    Description:
       another letter, never sent this time
    **there is a quote in here, taken from "A Love Song for Bobby Long" Bobby said it in the film and he was quoting either George Sands or Charles Dickens, it was never made real clear


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsprophecies on the situationdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I walked through a fog of bright light and I can't find myself.
    But it's all good, cause I won't need me for much longer.
    I'll travel thee world in my underground mind, a labrynth of loss in a jungle of forgotten memories.

    " I don't want to" she said, her eyes wide shut, her bod curled as much as she could against her chains of flesh and blood.
    The cool metal caressed her, romanced her, brought her to the edge, showed her the abyss of cool steel and silk, so tempting and repulsive.

    "You must", but the voice faded into the void of dreams, that place between life and death where the world is misty and veiled, but the brilliant can see into the black morning.

    "The blind can see, and the genius darlings sit dumb in the corner. You are niether and unwelcome, Sweet Love, because we don't accept you brand of innocence here"

    Acceptance! Acceptance? What kind of word is that? What does it even mean?
    I refuse to accept their non-acceptance!
    Can I even do that?
    Hypocrites, all of us!!!

    "I can't look, can't, can't, can't" The words echoed in the dark and musky hall, a hushed rasp against the backdrop of tortured screams torn daily from the throats of special pets by gentle lovers.

    "He's make a lovely corpse"**

    "Of course, of course, but HOW?"

    Complete the gory process, love, show that you truly care about their souls by setting them free....it's not murder if they beg for it first, you'll see the truth of it by the light of the new moon night.
    Watch the beautiful and soulful madness catch hold with your very naive eyes, if only you are brave enough.

    "You know the how already, it's the why that you're really missing"

    "The 'y', the fucking 'y'! How dare e foget that sweet, unashamed letter. Without it, there would be no 'z', and the French, oh, how the French would mourn their language then"

    If only she could break the chains, the ties that bound her irreversibly and without remorse in the Labrynth of Thought.
    She tried to think it through rationally, but how can one be rational if each thought binds you closer to the flames of hell?

    It was a silly move if ever there was one, because she got caught without her crumbs.

    And then the milk jug was prophetic, hidden by it's shady colors in the crate.

    The Prophecy was laid
    and she did all her King bade
    And still she couldn't Breathe.




    Submitted on 2007-05-22 12:29:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      'romanced her'

    I thought it was a creative way to include personfication with the gun, it gives the reader something to identify with. Other than that I t hink I completely agree with Derrick.
    | Posted on 2007-05-22 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      Whenever you write things like this, it makes me worry that you are talking about me, at least in some parts.

    Cause thats what I do a lot, write about people in a heavily metaphoric style. So at the moment I am worried about me making you feel trapped. Hopefully it doesn't sound too overly egotistic to think that this might have something to do with me. I'm just paranoid.

    Anyways..

    Lots of spelling errors...invest in a spell checker..




    "I walked through a fog of bright light and I can't find myself.
    But it's all good, cause I won't need me for much longer.
    I'll travel thee world in my underground mind, a labrynth of loss in a jungle of forgotten memories."
    ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
    The first and second sentences don't flow. You shouldn't start sentences with 'but'. I like the second sentence though with the exception of the 'but'. Overall this paragraph reminds me of something that I think about a lot, the whole concept of getting lost in your own mind.




    "" I don't want to" she said, her eyes wide shut, her bod curled as much as she could against her chains of flesh and blood.
    The cool metal caressed her, romanced her, brought her to the edge, showed her the abyss of cool steel and silk, so tempting and repulsive."
    ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
    I like the part in the first sentence about 'her chains of flesh and blood.' That is a pretty interesting way of putting it. The second part just makes me think that she is [censored] a robot.




    "Acceptance! Acceptance? What kind of word is that? What does it even mean?
    I refuse to accept their non-acceptance!
    Can I even do that?
    Hypocrites, all of us!!!"
    '''''''''''''''''''''''
    This seemed really out of place.



    " "The 'y', the [censored] 'y'! How dare e foget that sweet, unashamed letter. Without it, there would be no 'z', and the French, oh, how the French would mourn their language then""
    '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
    This did as well. The overall tone of the piece is so drastically different from this paragraph that I think it really just takes away from it.





    "It was a silly move if ever there was one, because she got caught without her crumbs.

    And then the milk jug was prophetic, hidden by it's shady colors in the crate."
    ''''''''''''''''''''
    I'd like to know what you were trying to communicate with these two sentences.




    "The Prophecy was laid
    and she did all her King bade
    And still she couldn't Breathe."
    '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
    This is the part that makes me worry.



    Overall I enjoyed it. Those two parts could be removed without any creating any problems for the piece, but I suppose that they probably have meaning to you. Thats the problem with this particular writing style, it doesn't mean a lot to other people once you get finished, it mainly just sounds pretty. All of the vague and metaphorical references just leave the reader thinking 'Hmm, I wonder what she is talking about.'

    But its pretty similar (in my opinion) to how I write, so I can't [censored] too much.
    | Posted on 2007-05-22 00:00:00 | by Derrick Thomas | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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