Wow, this piece echoes such truth! Your metaphors are exquisite as is the rhyme and the meter; all so perfect! Your vocabulary is amazing as well, not that I didn't understand the words, but the fact that I never have the mind to use a vocabulary such as you put into effect in my own poetry!
I apologize for the briefness of my comment, but there's nothing more to say except for me to once say how brilliant this is!
Really quite excellent in almost every regard...rhyme choices are cunningly sellected here: untold, gold, Mars, stars, Jewels, fools....there is such a thing as potent rhyme and I have just listed some...such a selection would have been used by the old masters in a short poem like this... most excellent... bravo ... bravo ... bravo ... michael
Well, this poem seems to be your most popular on the comments chart don't you think lol. So sad once again, but also like JustClarisse says, its like a person with a disability making fun of themself inside of this poem, sort of. I feel your pain, and I agree if some of us on this site, could convert all their pain, their fustrations, their angst, their anger, their betrayl, their hate, their laments, their amiss, their dismay, their distraught, their crestfallen hearts, their broken dismantle, and their wretched nightmares that haunt them inside of their life, they too would be rich with the glory, for inside of the pain and the darkness, their is no limit of time nor limit of space from your own tears. It hurts, lonliness and disatifactory inside of your life, and those two combined can lead well to the darkest minds that tempt us to do the worst thing we can do to our human life, end it. Every time I read your poems, every word that shatteres through the cornea of my eyes staggers like a blade into my heart, and it sinks, it sinks so far to the moment sometimes, well that I am falling into tears. Because I sympathise with you, not because I feel pity for you, but I relate to you. Lonliness, despite its moral it gives us, it harms us also. It leads our fragile minds, even more tender minds when we are depressed, and it leads us to believe that nothing will be fine, that nothing will be alright, that nothing will be their for us, nor will anyone care for us.
Yes those perils string to mars, and every day that flutters away in disaray, those perils go further and further, and sadly if nothing is done, we find ourselves climbing that mind created rope of perils all the way to heaven, because of the death that hurt caused us.
It's really quite frequently and more quite utterly sad that this happens to the human mind, and I ask myself, where is the compassion inside of others that yield our ears to the yells of pain, that close their eyes to the visions of suffering? Where is the compassion that this world lacks day for day, and year for year. Its like no one even gives a [censored], and it hurts even more, when the one and only closest people to you, that are to be among your side through the lonley winters and stormy seas you travel, piss away from you. And your there alone, when your supposed to be recieving the support from them, and its sad, its just sad.
Then we become prone to only rely our own unbearible feelings amoungst ourselves, because no one understands where we come from, or they simply don't give a [censored], and backstab you with them, or do something even more [censored]tier to you that leads you hurt a hundred to a thousand times worse then you already were. And nothing helps...
You shouldn't be able to compare the amount of pain that is held inside of you and equal it to be so much of what you portraited on your poem, because you should have a listening ear around you, and its just so sad...
i wouldnt change it for the world...
it is sadly lovely...
as all your works are
i like the way you use caps the first letter of the jewel names,kind of like you are placing importance on them as they are part of you now.
your loneliness,your sorrows,your tormants...
you know what i trying to say(i hope)
i havent read anything that nice for a little while now...not that they are bad or anything,they just dont have your touch with words...
you know how much i love 4 stanzes(sorry someone epiphany)
will be waiting for that book...(my favourates in there that you removed from this site >.< )
will continue reading your work...just not commenting much
Here is the application of my suggestions, they're very minor:
If my heartaches were rubies
I'd be a jeweller's best friend;
Trading all my bereavement
For billions to spend.
I would live in a mansion
With my riches untold;
If my contrition was silver,
And my sorrow was gold.
If my torments were pearls
I could string them to Mars;
If my teardrops were diamonds
They would outshine the stars.
I'd be the wealthiest woman
If afflictions were jewels;
I'd be the ruler of splendour
Instead of Queen of the Fools.
I emphasized how much suffering by saying billions, in that way I took away the unnecessary 'infinite' but increasing the significance like you were going for by saying billions instead of millions. I lowercased the jewel names and capitalized Mars for structure. At the end I used afflictions instead of the original, because I thought it would be better to emphasize that there is so much -cause- to your suffering, as well as the suffering itself, that you could be rich. It gives more depth to your explanation of torment and crying.
Otherwise, I just touched up syllable, matching, and flow, so you could see how it would be laid out.
i havent read anything of yours in a while.
this is good. brings a whole stack of songs to my mind as i read it. one being "if i were a carpenter and you were a lady would you marry me anyway..." and the other being the song about 'i gave you six ribbons to tie back your hair'... he talks about all he would give her if he was this and that... if he was a magician and minstrel etc and then hes like but im just a simple man... a poor comon farmer and all i have is these ribbons but theyll make a beautiful gift.
now i realise that you are talking about love and trying to woo someone. but its written the same way as those songs sound in my head.
you know already how much a fan of four lined stanzas with rhyme. i really dislike it. but i think you may have used it to your advantage in this piece. there is one part that seems a little off to me... the second stanza with the contrition of silver/gold etc seems out of place or perhaps too big a jump from the previous idea in some ways. it doesnt NOT work... it just slghtly jars for me is all.
so while i like this i cant help but challenge you to step out of your magic formula [4line stanza/rhyme] box and keep experimenting... perhaps theres even a freeverse way of writing this one...? just a thought
but yes... id much rather not be the Queen of Fools... makes me think of the juice newton song "queen of hearts" in which she says "playing with the queen of hearts/knowing it aint very smart/the joker aint the only fool/who'd do anything for you"
this makes me think a whole lotta songs
ill shut up now...
I actually really, really like this. I do wish you'd clean up the syllables to make it flow better, but the idea is absolutely spectacular.
Now, this might be a matter of personal taste, but it seems rough when I go through it. For instance, at the part where it says 'infinite millions' -- millions are finite. Maybe try a concrete form of currency like the dollar or penny.
For the second stanza I would shorten teh second line:
I would live in a mansion
With riches untold,
If my contrition was Silver
And my sorrows were Gold.
Surrounded by richest untold is too hard on my tongue and I have to reread it and try to work out a syllable count, because it doesn't seem to match the short, concise lines of the rest. Maybe even for the last line I'd try to make it match the third by making sorrow a singular, making were - was. Things like that just string it together more tightly, but they're only suggestions.
Same with the last stanza,
I'd be the wealthiest woman
If loneliness could be jewels;
I feel loneliness has too many syllables and throws it off, or that the rest needs to be shortened. I'd try to even solidify your point by taking the SUM of all the suffering you mentioned and making it one thing, that is, is -misery- could be a jewel (i: sum them up into one big one at the end to retouch without repeating your original points).
This is definately getting a favorite, either way. Beautiful work.
Cool, I really liked this. The whole piece is a very simple one (no bad thing) and the way it is written, relaxed and comfortable there's no rush to finish, really pushes it up a few bars and despite the sad content it is a pleasure to read through.
A few lines I would alter to iron a few creases out
For infinite millions to spend.
for untold millions to spend
I’d be the wealthiest woman
If solitude brought with it jewels;
I’d be the ruler of splendour
and not a lonely Queen of Fools.
Small things only, like I said I really liked this
Brilliant. I loved it. Lighthearted, but in a depressing sort of way. Kind of like someone with a disability joking about it: amusing, but at the same time, you feel really badly for them and feel sympathy. Sorry if that's not an exactly PC analagy, but that was the best way I could think of to encompass what I got from the work.
I have nothing to critique. The rhythm was consistent, the rhyming creative, and the length was appropriate. The idea of it, which I'm sure is widely used, was presented in a fun, original way.
Thank you for such a pleasant read! This'll be my first favorite for the site.