I Have Failed You by ebflannery

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Submission Name: I Have Failed You dots

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Author:	ebflannery
ASL Info:	24/
Elite Ratio:	4.6 - 184/184/48
Words:	138

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	150
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	831

Description:

I Have Failed You dots

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My children, I have failed you.
My lover, I have failed as well.
Myself, I have lost somewhere,
Between my dreams and my existence.
Maybe I left them all in the same spot,
I am to jumbled to remember

These little eyes look toward me
Starving, and yet I turn away
A little time, and their hunger
Would cease, but yet I can not give

And my thoughts collide with emotions,
Screaming in anger, “how could you?”
Good mother, I am not
Good lover, I am not
Good person, I am not

I wouldn’t want to be with me
If I had the option to leave
And he will, too, because I am a waste
But I can not blame him,
For I left the building first,
Elvis, wait up!

Submitted on 2007-05-23 14:15:58 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
I disagree with lithium in that you didn't expound on what exactly the narrator has done to fail these people, as you did indicate that she failed them by being a bad mother, lover, and person. I actually think the opposite, that this was a bit too straightforward. You left practically nothing for the reader to infer on their own. I mean, sometimes the blunt approach works really well, but for this kind of topic... I would've strayed away from statements like "I am a waste, I'm not a good mother, I'm not a good person"-- instead use imagery and description of situations that represent those qualities (like you did in stanza two.)

I also would've taken out "I am too jumbled to remember." Again, it's a straightforward line, and I really, really liked the stanza otherwise. The information you have already indicates that the narrator is jumbled and confused, especially with the description of being "lost." You don't need that extra sentence.

In the second stanza, I wouldn't split up "would cease" from "and their hunger." That sentence is powerful and should be kept together to avoid the reader stumbling over it. Also, it makes the end of the stanza pop a little more by ending it with "but yet I can not give."

In the third stanza, the first two lines confuse me. I'm assuming that the narrator is shouting "how could you?" to herself, but the way you worded it, she could've been yelling at anyone.

The fourth stanza I think is relatively solid. It leaves the reader with the feeling that I think the whole piece was meant to invoke: sympathy, sadness, and maybe a bit of understanding. A lot of what you said I'm sure many can relate to.

I hope this review was helpful.

-Clarisse

| Posted on 2007-05-23 00:00:00 | by JustClarisse. | [ Reply to This ]
The emotion in this piece is very powerful, but overall I thought there were a lot of things left unclear. The narrator goes on a lot about how she has failed a lot of people, but the reader doesn't know what she's done to fail them. It sort of leaves the reader a bit unsatisfied and unclear.
| Posted on 2007-05-23 00:00:00 | by lithium_poetry | [ Reply to This ]

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