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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Hmmmmmm : Rodephinedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 689
    Class/Type: Misc/Serious
    Total Views: 911
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 4269



    Description:
       Keep commenting and I'll keep going.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHmmmmmm : Rodephinedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Rodephine was the color of burnt sienna, she was skinny, lanky, long. Normally she spent most of her time lounging in the yards, biing at insects, rubbing her head on the hands of her master. Rodephine was chained to a wall of her house. She could only walk about 20feet in every direction. She lived a minimalist life and was contented to do so.

    One day, Rodephine was pacing,back and forth back and forth. THe air was humid, wrapping around her face like a thick blanket, sufocating her in her own sweat. She began panting to cool herself down, and it helped some, at least she didn't feel like she was dying any longer. Rodephine sat and waited for her misery to end, when she saw, at the far corners of the yard, a small kitten a fuzzy kitten, cute competition for Rodephine.

    "I don't like that!" thought Rodephine. She walked under the porch so that she could escape the humidity, the flies, and more importantly, so that she could watch the kitten from afar and not be seen at all. Throughout the day Rodephine waited patiently as she watched the little cat get closer and closer.


    CLOSER AND CLOSER.

    The kitten played on, blissfully unaware of the heat, inviteing with great enthusiasm the flies so that he could hoop, hop, hop across the yard. Attacking grass and sand at random.

    Rodephine waited.

    The kitten got closer.

    Rodephine watched.

    The kitten tumbled within the 20feet.

    Rodephine still sat motionless.

    The kitten rolled further in.

    18 feet
    15 feet
    15.7 feet

    11

    10
    9
    8
    7
    6
    5
    4
    3
    3
    3
    3
    3
    3
    3
    3
    3
    3
    3
    2
    1........................................


    The kitten looked up but it was too late, within Rosephines jaws the kitten gasped for air. With one snap Rodephine was able to sink each tooth all the way through the slim kitten skin, past his blood and veins, past the muscle, and with a crunch was able to paralize the kitten. Soft helpless mews barely escaped the little cat, he twitched from pain, tried to run but could not.

    Rodephine felt a twinge of excitement, quickly followed by regret as she watched her master's babe get off the school bus. Up the stairs the little girl came, (please not here)
    the girl walked to Rodephine, could not see her, called to Rodephine, looked for her.

    The moment was comeing and Rodephine knew it.

    A loud and deafening shrill rang throughout the yard, the girls parents came tearing from the house, Rodephine allowed the kitten to fall from her jaws, and the kitten hit the floor breathing and jerking like a fish out of water.
    For about ten minutes the kitten suffered, and then died, at Rodephines feet. Rodephine slunk down, dropped her body under her shoulder blades.

    The girls parents accepted the situation as tragic but natural. Dogs eat cats. They gaveher looks of dissapointment but could not punish an animal for murder, Rodephine existed in their mind, in a seperate place.

    Watching her masters walk away Rodephine dropped to the ground, the air was much thicker, the flies more insistent, and she layed on the ground, with feelings too much to bare, she jumped up and ran.

    2 feet
    4
    8 feet

    12

    16
    20, the end of her chain, and YANk. With full momentum she reached the end of her chain and flew backwards, gasping more for air. She continued this through the night, continued till morning where she lay exhausted and bloody at 18 feet. When her master found Rosephine she was barely alive, they quickly loaded her into the car carefully, held her on the way to the vet, carried her inside when they arrived.


    Rodephine layed on the cool table in a chilly room, deeply breathing in cool air she slowly lost consciousness as a needle pierced her in the side. The pain subsided and she slept.




    Submitted on 2007-05-24 09:24:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      How terribly sad.

    You wrote this really well, with the occasional mistake in spelling and punctuation and all that fun stuff. I myself try to overlook it, everyone makes mistakes.

    However, I hate reading about a kitty being killed.

    How sad...sniffle.
    | Posted on 2007-06-20 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
       Let's start with the title, is there a purpose to the "Hmmmmmm : " part? As it stands, this work would be fine if just titled "Rodephine". I suppose if it goes further and away, then not. I think this works well as just a short story piece. I could not find the word "Rodephine" on Google or Wikipedia, which makes it unique and without meaning to me. So it is definitely a name. To the piece now.

    (added later): The "Hmmmmmm : " part would work if it's referring to your other pieces containing the same/similar phrase, since there's mention of whether animals feel guilt, and at some point in this piece we see Rodephine does feel some manner of guilt. I could be wrong, but I had to make sense of it regardless.(end addition)

    I was confused for a few seconds early on about what Rodephine was, cat, dog, person. It seems obvious, but at the same time it could work for any. The chain part kind of kills the cat notion, not necessarily. Unimportant this is, I must say I like the first paragraph for being descriptive, yet vague.

    Still with paragraph one, what about her life is minimalist? Does she ever get to go beyond those 20 feet? And should we care? Short stories skimp on background sometimes, so it's probably not very important. I just like to know more/background.

    With paragraph 2, the notion that Rodephine is a human goes with the panting to cool off. Since those were the only three animals I had ever thought of for her, I found I liked how her image became more clear as I read.

    I'm not sure why "back and forth back and forth" doesn't make use of commas. I know some people who aren't tripped by lack of certain punctuation, but I'm not one of them. The "a small kitten a fuzzy kitten" probably should be compounded to "a small, fuzzy kitten" mostly it annoys me to read the same sentence with one word variation, unless there's a good reason for it, and I see no good reason here.

    We're introduced to what seems to be Rodephine's vanity. Correct?

    Paragraph 3: "She walked under the porch so that she could escape the humidity, the flies, and more importantly, so that she could watch the kitten from afar and not be seen at all."
    "She hid under the porch, escaping the humidity and flies, so she could spy on the kitten from afar." Might be a better way. Not much better, Mostly I think the sentence can and should be made less wordy, but my mind is a bit fatigued and can't figure out a better suggestion.
    "Escaping the humidity and flies, Rodephine hid under the porch and patiently watched the kitten as it drew closer throughout the day." Sounds better than my first suggestion. Whatever the case, improve it.

    To this point I had read this in the same manner I may read a children's book, but with a less innocent air because I wasn't sure if I should be. The "CLOSER AND CLOSER" (we note all caps) seemed more reminescent of a children's book page. I wasn't sure of the purpose of the sentence at all really, much less the all caps. I'm fairly sure though that the children's book feel is intentional.

    Paragraph four (using paragraph loosely): This consists of the two sentences after "CLOSER AND CLOSER". Mostly, the way the sentence is structured, I find it confusing (though obviously not important to the piece as a whole). It's structured and punctuated in such a way as to suggest the the kitten is inviting the flies to itself so that it can hop/play in the yard.

    Paragraph four point five (from "Rosephine waited" to "further in"
    Very minor thing, when telling the number of feet, it consistently gets lower, save for one time, where it goes from 15 to 15.7, intentionally showing the kitten go a little further, or just a typo, or misunderstanding of numbers? It's the only part in the number sequence the has any unique qualities because of that and because it is the only decimal number. I think this is wholly pointless to the story, so why have it at all? If there's greater meaning, then it's completely lost.

    Paragraph five (comes after the number sequence): I liked this because it shatters the children's book feel and is a bit shocking.
    How did the kitten try to run when it was already within Rodephine's jaws? This is a part where I'm being too literal and not seeing run as a synonym for escape. So, unimportant.

    Paragraph six:
    This paragraph also has me a bit. Rodephine feels regret only because the master's child will catch her killing the kitten? How does Rodephine know it has done something to regret? Has Rodephine done this before? Is the kitten the daughter's pet and Rodephine knows it? Are we finding that Rodephine kills animals that take attention from her (as we learn earlier that she sees the kitten as competition), or did Rodephine kill the cat out of malice, cold-blood? It matters a slight bit more (I think) than some of the other stuff I've mentioned. The only thing I feel I can know for certain from this paragraph is that Rodephine felt regret for being caught, nothing more.
    It's possible that this has happened before, we can infer/guess this from the fact that Rodephine "knew" what was coming. Without prior experience (direct or indirect), Rodephine would not be aware. And we have no reason to think her experience is indirect.

    Paragraph seven (from "a loud and deafening" to "her shoulder blades":
    I had to wonder, why did the parent's and child let the kitten suffer for ten minutes at the dog's feet? Did they only care enough to come look and/or scream? It doesn't make sense to me.
    Just toward a matter of fact, "dogs eat cats" is similar to "turtles eat fish", it's true, but not a constant, thus the ability to have households with varying species. This was completely irrelevant.
    Rodephine exists in their mind, this is referring to the idea of Rodephine, or just solipsist stuff? I apologize at this point, my eyes and mind are occasionally fading out, so my fatigue will ruin the rest of this and some before this. Not that it can be great.

    So I will stop now and continue another time. Apologies.

    Typos/Mistakes/Grammar:
    1. (paragraph 1) "biing" should be "biting".
    2. (paragraph 1) "yards" is it supposed to be plural?
    3. (paragraph 2) I don't think a comma is necessary after "pacing", but it is necessary between the two back and forth's.
    4. (paragraph 2) "sufocating" should be "suffocating"
    5. (paragraph 2) "THe" wants to grow up too much, smack the h.
    6. (paragraph 4) "inviteing" should be "inviting"
    7. (paragraph 4) "hoop" should be "hop" unless you meant for it to be "hoop" in which case I don't know what it is to hoop.
    8. (paragraph 4.5) "The kitten tumbled within the 20feet", needs a space between 20 and feet.
    9. (paragraph 5) "Rosephines" should be "Rosephine's", apostrophe important for possesion, otherwise we suddenly have a bunch of dogs named Rosephine appearing and tearing the kitten apart. Also, the dog's name is "Rodephine" correct? So, should be "Rodephine's".
    10. (paragraph 5) "paralize" should be "paralyze".
    11. (paragraph 6) "comeing" should be "coming"
    12. (paragraph 7) "girls" should be "girl's", (possessive) unless the one girl multiplied.
    13. (paragraph 7) "Rodephines" should be "Rodephine's", (possessive)
    14. (paragraph 7) "suffered, and then died, at Rodephines feet" (sic) the comma after died seems unnecessary.
    15. (paragraph 8) "girls" again should be "girl's" (possessive)
    16. (paragraph 8) "gaveher" should have a space "gave her"
    17. (paragraph 8) "dissapointment" should be "disappointment"
    | Posted on 2007-05-25 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]


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