Finally number one of my batch of comments to you, Yawnie. I see Finnigan has already epic commented this one, so I'll save mine for another of your writes.
I like short poems, theyíre nice and quick to read which appeals to my laziness. I never get tired of telling ppl Iím lazy Ė I figure if everyone knows then they canít blame me when I fail to do something or take three months to complete a task (pretty much like this present Iíve been saying Iíd do for you for so long). Now this poem is even shorter than Iím used to which in my mind is even better. The only downfall being I had to look up the word Ďperipateticí. Although I can now include that word in conversation to make myself sound intelligent Ė and I need all the help I can get in that respect, believe me.
Alrighty then, letís get down to it. where to start? Hm I think Iíll begin at the best place for such things: da beginning. Straight away you spell out whatís the main concern of this piece your Ďfear of failureí. A widespread thing, I think; if not failing others, then failing yourself. Tis a common human trait to fail, but it is less common to be able to pick oneself up and continue on (get me, I just used Ďoneselfí). Perseverance, tenacity, determination Ė all characteristics that do not a failure make and all characteristics which I have no doubt you can apply to yourself in different areas of your life, Yawnie. Iím beginning to understand that youíre kind of a pessimist *slaps her* snap out of it! There is good in all things, even when they seem shitty. Feeling pain reminds you that youíre alive, writing poetry to express such pain is a means of dealing with it, if itís only to accept and record what youíre feeling.
The combination of short lines, concise language use, and the preference for words ending in Ďicí gives the write a very disjointed, harsh feel. The jump from line to line, and the space between each one in the layout, help to convey what might have been the jumbled thought-process that went on behind the words as you were writing them. I also like how the shape of the poem shortens to single words by the time it reaches the end, coming to a halt almost abruptly Ė thereís almost a staccato rhythm to it which reminds me of a train building in speed. Sounds kinda weird I know, but I donít know how else I can describe it. Itís almost as if these feelings are running away with you and the only way to deal is to take some physical action to try to outdistance it. I wonder if you ever ran far enough to leave it fully behind?
The whole thing is pretty unusual Ė the rhyme scheme (if there even is one), structure, choice of vocabulary, and Iím not entirely sure if I like it if Iím totally honest with you. But at least itís unique Ė not like anything else Iíve read in quite a while Ė and Itís short, which is always a bonus. Anyhow, it gives a brief insight into the dark recesses of your mind and for that at least itís pretty damn interesting.
Fear of failure
Causes to panic
And feeds the headache
A shut down procedure
In the cranium chamber
Yet the pain is pure
The feel so pathetic
And I run.
to me this is a chain of events... symptoms... but it doesnt seem to deliever any sign of relief.
i think you could prolly address this phenomenon in a more interactive nature.
im not a hundred percent how you could do it but i know that right now... theres the feeling that i am so close to begginning to grasp the panic that seems to be rushing through this piece but i dont think it is rushing intensly enough for the reader to fully grasp it.
i think if the reader were to be taken on the journey... if you were to create images that cause them to experience whichever step or rung of the ladder theyre on then the response to the piece would be overwhelming.
try to get under the readers skin.
feel the fear
get in touch with the panic...
am i making any sense?
truth be told i had to look this word up.
its a fun word to say out loud
itinerant was the meaning that struck a chord with me and made this piece find closure... the idea of you always running to try avoid this feeling but also that of the feeling[s] always moving within you... claiming territory [somewhat hostily at times]...
i think though, minimalistly, you have done well. you have conveyed your thought in such a way that the reader cannot doubt what you are saying and that can be difficult to do in so few words. [i just think the ideas of this piece are crying out to be bigger lol... but i guess thats what theyre all about... power and control...]
Yay, well I read your little request on my page and I was like, "Whoa. Did she do that? Unbelievable and such a wierd time to do so." I don't know what the heck exactly what "psychopathetic" means but I'm going to take a very educated guess and say that you are mentally weak. I'm here to help you with two things; help you with your problem and critique this bad boy. I want to reply to your piece of work in such a big way but there's not a lot of branching I can do with just thirty-eight words.
"Fear of failure"
I think those who are really into school and want to do the best they can are really scared at what might happen. I for sure fear to fail what my name really stands for. I want to be on top and it's the adrenaline that gets me up. If I even get a "B" on a report card, I start to freeze up and worry. That shouldn't be there. I start to breathe really hard as I think of this really carefully. I can relate to this because I just took my finals last Friday, Monday, and Tuesday. I'm really scared at what I will get. The thought of getting bad grades on my finals put me in a critical point. My heart starts to be faster and faster as I think about it. Right on the start, I get what you are saying. Disappointment gets the best of us when we turn back on the subject. School does put you into a place where you will always be unless you somehow turn famous or win the lotto. A GPA can determine if you are ready to go to that really expensive college for free or you're going to that stupid community college. I don't want to be a lowlife meatbag, I want life to be easy and not depressing. I guess if you want to be something big, you gotta' suffer some of your early childhood to be so.
"Causes to panic"
Well, the previous paragraph got me to the point where my heart was rushing as fast as it could. I think that Fear does lead to a lot of thing as well as panic. Fear is saying your caucasian. It has many subgroups. Sure you're caucasian, but you're also German. Panic is like being German, it's just a small portion. Sometimes if you panic, it can lead to other things, very bad things like "anger" and "depression". I felt a little depressed after school, and not just the finals, it was because I would never see friends. School tends to screw people over when it's done. It's like it wants you to say that you want to backstab your friends in the later run. Should we listen to the school. I don't know, it's difficult to say what to do.
"And feeds the headache"
Right now, as I read line by line, I think you are posting symtoms to some sort of depression. If you are indeed getting big headaches, you should take some medicine. I usually don't experience headaches but you might want to fill your time with something else than hard labor. Sometimes you might want to lay back and but a cold towel on your head. Take off the working shoes and let your feet relax on a recliner or something. Take it easy and maybe things like this won't happen.
"In the cranium chamber
Yet the pain is pure
The feel so pathetic
And I run.
Yikes, for a short poem, you put a lot of emotions that are dark and feel all cloudy. As long as it doesn't have to do with breaking up with someone or cutting yourself, I'm pretty fine. I really like your choice of vocabulary...I don't understand a couple of these words. It's you don't want me to read it or something. Thank goodness I can turn to dictionary.com. Yep, I still need to look into "psychosomatic". It's something about the body being affected by the mind, am I right? So the pain of thinking that is being afflicted is hurting the brain. I guess I can relate now because looking up psychosomatic really hurts my brain and my jaw right now. I also do indeed get to that point where everytime I think about something really hard, it hurts me somewhat. You should run away from the pain, you should try to fight it off. If you continue to run, you'll never conquer it. Stand up to the pain and don't run away. As long as you try your best and try to pass on your thoughts to the next generation, you can help. School can and most likely be a drag, but that doesn't give you the option to walk out of that building and mope about it. You should rule the school and not the other way around. Take all it's knowledge it had taught you and become someone without inflicting as much pain as possible. Be strong, we all have to.
I feel bad right now. It felt like I critiqued this as if it was some sort of journal. I wanted to be more general with this and not try to help you and trying to tell you about my life. I think if people critique they should stand for everyone and not just one person, you also want to try to help those who don't ask for it. I could be wrong on my approach on this but I hope that you can scavage something from this heaping pile of words. Never try to doubt yourself but never try to get yourself high. Balance is the key that everyone needs. The poem was straight forward except for the little bumps where some people might have to stop along the way and check out some words. Nothing too big. I don't think I read much of what this is and it's a good thing. I want to see you try to write something peaceful and calm. Maybe whenever you feel great, you should write a happy piece and when you are sad, just look back on what you had wrote. Good job and I hope you do find a way out of your little problem. Talk to someone and try to take advice from them.