Description: I wrote this Poem / Lyrical Song one night. It was really late and I was really really on something.
And soon my thoughts just started to pour out onto a pad of paper
Smacked out... One last hit of the night.
A cold and ruthless chemical buzz... My skins alive, hands stained from this crime...
The dead are wise... As I wash em in lye.
Slipping through the cracks and shadows...
I can feel the absence growing hollow... Lies and fears calm hysteria.
Collect the eyes and bleach the features.
No more reasons... Hate the mirror.
Bleach and Lye burn and blister.
Tossing nightmares claw beneath you.
Hold parinoia... Watch it beat you.
Twist my words to hear them breathe... As the bourbon and blood leaks beneath you.
A table set for two... Save your story for someone who cares.
wow! this is a great piece, i loved it! it was dark and cryptic, just my style! i see how it has a very lyrical feel to it, you should work with and try to really develop a song out of it. my favorite line was
"Collect the eyes and bleach the features."
it just really gave me the image of red eyes staring at you from black abyss. great job! thanks for the read.
Mikey X
Sorries,don't feel bad!!It's a good thing that I have a headache.You made me think! lol
First thing I thought of was a murder scene...Like you just went off your rocker and started trying clean their faces off.
Interesting concept,actually.
Another thing that came to mine was a mental thing.Oh,how to explain?!Umm...Let's just say you tried to clean yourself up...from the inside-out.
Once again,interesting concept.
Maybe,I am thinking to hard.... *looks around*
I do that quite alot...
Antyways,on to other things!You did mispell 'paranoia'.Hey!No harm,no foul!!The dots do seem to hinder the flow of the piece.I can't say much though.I'm as much criminal of the same thing! lol
It's a great write though.You got me on the edge too.Do you plan to write more or elaborate on it some time??That would be quite interesting if you did!
What is exactly going on here? it makes me want to know so much more!
You made good use of discriptions
my favorite line was:
Twist my words to hear them breathe
it really brought the poem off the page, into a swirling swarm almost.
The free form of the words makes things interesting, but there is a slightly excessive use of "..." For some reason it just really sticks out and takes away from the words. There are other ways of making one pause to think about the words like using large amounts of space between words.
I think you would like Ellen Hopkins, shes a great writer, and her novels burned, crank, and impulse are all written in poetic form. you can learn a lot about free forms from reading her books.
Well first, it's spelled paranoia.. I'm guessing that was a typo though, but I thought I'd mention it anyhow.. Also it's ulterior, not alterior..
Very intersting read as well though.. It made me wonder just what kinds of thoughts are behind the writing of it and kind of made me think of one of those deep murder mysteries..
Very cool..
Submission Name: Bleach & Lye
