Mind Boogeyman by Raineyes

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Submission Name: Mind Boogeyman dots

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Author:	Raineyes
ASL Info:	19/f/AR
Elite Ratio:	4.74 - 208/187/46
Words:	79

Class/Type:	Poetry/Dark
Total Views:	203
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	610

Description:
This is rough I haven't cleaned it up yet and I'm not quite sure it's done. I might add punctuation and I might not. But give me some words of helpful advise. Any comments welcome

Mind Boogeyman dots

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Bump in the night
Dark and cold inside
The Boogeyman's coming
And there's nowhere to hide

pray to your God
Raise religious signs
But no one can help you
because the Boogeyman's in your mind

He sings and he dances
He twists and he turns
Down deep in your heart
Starting fires that burn

Stories flow through you
He strings them up well
So you can never escape
From this painful hell

Submitted on 2007-05-26 12:04:40 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  interesting, very interesting. i liked it. i think the biggest thing is it doesn't feel done, and it seems to be lacking colour. maybe some bigger, more inclusive, words, or words that just jump out and draw you in. it has a grat base, but could use some work. I like it so far, nice.
| Posted on 2008-06-23 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this one a lot, the playfulness in the Boogeyman despite his insanity. Some lines come off as awkward because of the rhyme scheme but that stuff can be easily changed. Nice one.
| Posted on 2007-06-09 00:00:00 | by SuperEdgar | [ Reply to This ]
  i think that this stanza here-

He sings and he dances
He twists and he turns
Down deep in your heart
Starting fires that burn

-really doesn't do much when you're talking about the Boogeyman. When I think of someone along those lines, the last thing I would picture him doing is singing and dancing. With this stanza, it puts a picture in my head like the BoogeyMan is on broadway or has come thru someones closet door to put on a show for them instead of trying to scare them.

I also think that for a piece that is about something widely known to be scary, you went a little too simple with it, causing it to not come across very dark.

take care
| Posted on 2007-05-26 00:00:00 | by MmR | [ Reply to This ]
  It's pretty short, I think you should add more because it just has an incomplete feel. I think if it were longer and felt whole it would be very good poem. My only suggestion as the peice stands now is to find a way to say the last line in the second stanza without using the word "Boogeyman", it just reads a little long.
| Posted on 2007-05-26 00:00:00 | by NoMartyr | [ Reply to This ]

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