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Like I'll really confess
when all was said in false pretense.
No regret, no love,
no chance for what we spoke of.
A life of fun, a life of fame,
a flawless life in the immaculate game.
I'm not just thinking we're through,
I knew it the moment I met you.
You weren't meant for for me,
there's you and there's me, not we.
| There is power in what you're trying to say, but I don't think it's expressed to its potential. It is clear what you're saying: that the writer will never be with this person romantically because this person in a sense is fake in personality and ultimately a lower standard, and everything about this person is a sham, like most famous people.|
Oh, but I can feel the ingenuity throughout in this poem! I think it's constructed finely, but needs crafting and reshaping, to become powerful. Right now, it's a fracture of what is possible. Perhaps a more detailed description of this person and the whole scenario dealing with love and ideals and people can be further expressed because not many can see it as clearly as I can, but even so, I appreciate this piece to its fullest, because the multiple themes can be related to everyday life, which is refreshingly original without repetition. I like it. :)
|| Posted on 2007-06-04 00:00:00 | by Dolor | [ Reply to This ] || hmm. well it has no... flow? I guess you could say. This seems like a rant-ish sort of thing; why don't you try revising it and putting it up for comments again? You obviously have something to say here, though!|
|| Posted on 2007-05-27 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ] |