Description: I have just finished this …. I figure that I need to iron it out in many ways … I know about the line breaks issue … I’d like, if possible, some assistance on that account. Also, I’m positively aware of the strangeness of the stanza 4 but, believe me that was intentional! Anyhow, I’d like to get some comments about everything … I mean … how it makes you feel … if I am being too weird … if you know what I’m trying to get across … general ideas … criticism …. Even if you hate it please don’t hesitate in telling me …. I’d be … I’m just interested in the way I’m affecting people …. Maybe I’m not touching anybody... And this is a load of crap... who knows …. If you comment I promise I’ll check your stuff and comment on them
Ink in my Brain -------------------------------------------
Today, to my surprise,
There is a lot to say.
I have been marked
By a little ink
That has stained my mind.
Has it grown into something
That would hardly ebb away.
Now, I am clouded
And blinded by the fake.
Many arrows come,
Targeting my soul,
Leaving me bereft
Of pep and hope.
Unperceived images are seen,
Blinding words are heard,
Unspoken aromas felt,
And I am still musing upon
I love this section. It describes exactly what I feels like before I write a poem. The ending makes me feel the same way.
I'm not sure if the word "pep" in the last line of section three quite works. It seems a bit strange. Maybe I'm missing something? Also, the last two lines of stanza two "now I am clouded and blinded by the fake" seem a little bit melodramatic. Perhaps if you described "the fake" more it would work better.
I think the line breaks are fine, even inspired, as far as line breaks can be. I love how the poem starts up on a gentle, quiet note and slowly builds itself up. It is certainly not a load of crap.
I don't know if this is what you were trying to convey, but to me, this poem says a lot about what being inspired feels like to me. It's something there in your mind trying to get out, and it seems like the most urgent task in the whole world to get it down on paper before it escapes forever, and when you finally start writing you just drift off into this surreal state.
Personally, I wasn't a big fan of stanza four. I think there may be a way to retain it's weirdness without being so completely nonsensical, because right now, to me at least, it reads like a bunch of words that got thrown together instead of an actual stanza. Maybe each adjective could relate to the object in the same way? Unsmelt aromas, perhaps, instead of unspoken ones, to go with what I'm pretty sure is supposed to be imperceived images?
Hmmm well I had to read this a few times over to try and get a message I think this piece is trying to portray. It seems to me that the first verse may be metaphoric for talking about a hope, a dream or just possibly an idea that you were once enthusiastic about. And the second stanza goes on to explain how the dream played over and over in your mind until you were almost so sure you could reach it.
This stanza however, is a little different:
“Many arrows come,
Targeting my soul,
Leaving me bereft
Of pep and hope.”
The flow kind of changes, the idea you’re conveying is more short and sharp as it has a more strong use of punctuation, and this ties in well with the arrow idea. I think the message this stanza is trying to say is you were brought back down to earth so quickly and cruelly that the dream just drifted away, as you were suddenly made aware that you could never reach it.
As you pointed out the last part is a little hard to understand:
“Unperceived images are seen,
Blinding words are heard,
Unspoken aromas felt,
And I am still musing upon
What needs to be done ….”
But I don’t think as an audience we’re really meant to understand it because as the author of this piece you may be a little confused yourself about the loss of your dream maybe?
I could be entirely wrong about the whole piece of course, but it’s the message I got from it.
The only thing I think I can critique about this piece is the punctuation in the forth stanza, I think it needs a full stop after the third line instead of a comma. I think it will read a bit better.
“Unperceived images are seen,
Blinding words are heard,
Unspoken aromas felt.
And I am still musing upon”
I also think that you shouldn’t start each line with a capital letter as it can throw the reader a little bit.
Sorry I couldn’t critique it further but I see nothing else wrong with this piece.
Submission Name: Ink in my Brain
