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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A poet's diary entrydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: just an angel
    ASL Info:    17/F/FL
    Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 95/109/59
    Words: 595
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 758
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3883



    Description:
       It pretty much says it in there, and if you can I would really like your imput. Thanx (o and the part where he asked me to stay, was not to go away he only asked me to stay a while longer at his house, I don't want to make him sound like a bad guy)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA poet's diary entrydots
    -------------------------------------------


    I will tell you things
    Which you will now read
    You can stop now
    Or continue to proceed

    I will say how I feel
    Yes, its over rated
    But I warned you before
    The message has been stated

    So will you listen now?
    To this poem with lines
    Full of bad insight
    And lovesick rhymes

    Ok, I'll start now
    And say random things
    Comment what you like
    Whatever your mind brings

    I am a shadow
    Stepped out of the light
    I left the sun's warmth
    Darkness holds me tight

    We continue to wish
    Everything that cannot be
    All the things in our dreams
    Are things we want to see

    My darkness is reality
    Dangling love in my face
    I cannot caresses it
    Because I'm tied down in this place

    As I write this now
    I can only think
    How stupid this is
    Just pass me a drink

    I got drunk one night
    And said how I feel
    I tried so hard
    I could not reveal

    I told him I have no feelings
    No attachments what so ever
    But that night I revealed
    I wanted to be with him forever

    You think feelings would be true
    Different from before
    The truth is there
    But I choose to ignore

    That what I feel is brief
    It will soon pass
    I knew it can't be
    Yet I wanted it to last

    We had our moments
    Short, brief times
    Just good company
    That's no crime

    Yet I thought it could be good
    We could work something out
    But why endure something
    With so much doubt

    I don't want to go
    I guess I'm afraid
    I wanted good to happen
    For years I have prayed

    This great moment had came
    And yet I must leave
    It this all a test
    Based on what I achieved?

    But what have I really done?
    What good have I given?
    Did I really try my best?
    Was I really driven?

    High school is over
    And its soon time to go
    Everyone says they're proud
    But I don't really know

    What's there to be proud of?
    What have I done right?
    A small thing here and there
    But nothing worthy of delight

    Now its all over
    And I was ready to stray
    But he put his hand over me
    And asked me to stay

    I don't want to go
    But I know I have to
    Yet why does this happen
    Only weeks before my adieu

    I guess I should stop
    Writing this crap
    Because its reality's message
    Giving me a good, hard slap

    Now you've read
    And thanks for your time
    Thanks for reading
    This poems of lines

    I just needed to relieve
    These thoughts from my mind
    Though I write to feel free
    I am still confined

    I don't know who you are
    Or why your still reading
    But thanks again
    Now I am pleading

    Live your life everyday
    Never regret
    This day happens once
    And you may never forget

    These times I had
    Now are gone
    And I am forced to leave
    Continue to move on

    I want to stay
    Just to see the next bit
    But time won't let me
    So I must submit

    The time I have left
    I will do what I judge right
    But again thank you for reading this
    On my fading night

    So adieu dear reader
    Thanks for your time
    For reading this poem
    Of lovesick rhymes




    Submitted on 2007-05-27 00:02:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Now it's all over
    And I was ready to stray
    But he put his hand over me
    And asked me to stay

    I don't want to go
    But I know I have to
    Yet why does this happen
    Only weeks before my adieu

    I guess I should stop
    Writing this crap
    Because it's reality's message
    Giving me a good, hard slap

    Now you've read
    And thanks for your time
    Thanks for reading
    This poems of lines



    Such short lines with such a structured rhythm definitely point to a very strong rap influence (and your self-effacing manner of stating the obvious, both about yourself and your write), would normally leave me little skeptical if this fable weren't handled so deftly.

    My only nitpick might be in the previous comment; 'caresses' should be 'caress.' Other than that, nicley done.

    Bill
    | Posted on 2007-07-11 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I prefer rhyming poems and I really enjoyed reading this, especially in the end when you acknowledge the reader who you probably don't know.

    My favorite lines were...

    My darkness is reality
    Dangling love in my face
    I cannot caresses it
    Because I'm tied down in this place

    I read this as you were tied down to school, career, or another relationship. You were taunted by another feeling or love but you can not have it because of your prior situation. These lines formed a lot of knowledgeable thoughts for me and I like the way you worded it.

    :)

    -Don
    | Posted on 2007-05-27 00:00:00 | by Specdro | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    12. Does it feel original?



    143405

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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    January 10 07
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