Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Life at Ten Billiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: tagit
    ASL Info:    36 - Male - Canada
    Elite Ratio:    6.67 - 48/48/35
    Words: 129
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 91
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 909



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLife at Ten Billiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    Above the silence surrounding the celestial sphere,
    Light years away in the cold of space,
    It’s furious, collapsing, solar career
    The sun explodes: timid darkness erased
    Under magnetic field spirals; around it orbit
    Astronomical objects sharing dull and lightless reflection;
    While well past the edge of its turbulent protection,
    Completely chaotic irregulars and elongated ovals gambit
    A speeding journey away from our gigantic spiral disk
    And conquering the remaining empty enormity that is space.
    An eternity briskly afire in one of the spiral arms, and still brisk
    The energy of the radiation fired into the expanse,
    After under duty’s weight it assumes a red giant’s stance;
    For a billion years, the dwarf will gradually die with grace,
    But its unconditional surrender will leave all life at risk.




    Submitted on 2007-05-27 02:50:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like the interstellar imagery you have in profusion in this piece; it all connects and threads together to form an interesting mental picture.

    In terms of an honest assessment... in my opinion, perhaps breaking this up so it's not so clumped together might help make this piece breathe a bit better. Depends on the psychological impact you want though... does having it clumped together serve any purpose? For instance, the start of your fourth line seems like another strophe/stanza right there.

    My other thoughts would be to try and reduce some unnecessary connectives, for example, this line:
    "(While well past) the edge of its turbulent protection,"
    --You could chop out the first three words here and still have exactly the same message. Obviously, you have to take rhythm into account, so whatever works.

    It's a promising piece for sure, and it's idiosyncratic; I do feel further revision would help make this piece shine to its fullest potential.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2007-05-28 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.