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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Oh, she could be in my bed...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rawpot
    ASL Info:    24/M/India
    Elite Ratio:    3.83 - 382/256/84
    Words: 115
    Class/Type: Poetry/Vampire
    Total Views: 160
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 719



    Description:
       Not good... being bad


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOh, she could be in my bed...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Proof... poof..
    AHole... why would I prove any thing to you?

    Was there anything in it for me?
    Oh yes, your precious appreciation!

    Who cares..
    My life is my own...

    Lived without you and cherished it,
    Like the last thing I would ever need...

    Respects means nothing to me,
    If have not been good to me...

    I will screw you, oh yes, that would true,
    Your poor sweat and hot wife..

    Oh, she could be in my bed...

    Proof you seek will for your kid
    that he really your kid...

    Man, I do not hate you,
    I just do not like what you do..

    Crap!




    Submitted on 2007-05-27 12:37:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      there were a few typos (i think) and grammatical errors...

    lines: 1- poof, 2- any thing (the space between), 9 - respects (no plural for respect), 15 - slang language (doesn't suit the poem)


    besides that, the soul behind the poem is very emotional and first-hand. Although the message was not vivid. You might want to add a few more lines at least to clarify and add more impact to your reader.


    this poem has a good start and there can be a lot of place for improvement.

    thanks for the read!
    | Posted on 2007-05-27 00:00:00 | by solitary_cross | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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