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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Heart is Not My Owndots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Fifi
    ASL Info:    20/F/UK
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 122/54/23
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 878
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 718



    Description:
       I'm not happy with the third stanza, so suggestions for improvement on that one would be much appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Heart is Not My Owndots
    -------------------------------------------


    Green, envious, sultry eyes
    Eyes that give away her every thought
    Eyes that dance and laugh on men's hearts
    Eyes that have killed many a pretty girl

    Sweet, salted, poisoned lips
    Lips that lie to father, mother, brother, lover
    Lips that curse and spill filth
    Lips that kiss and suck up your heart

    Trained, dangerous, soft hands
    Hands that touch and take hearts not their own
    Hands that hit until her temper has ebbed away
    Hands that cross fingers, secrets never to be told

    Yet there is me
    Me who lives to speak her name
    Me who does at her every touch
    Me who keeps coming back for more.




    Submitted on 2007-05-29 07:34:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this piece is very slick,by your own admission the third stanza is a little weaker than the rest but thats okay was still a good piece and I found it had many excellent ideas.

    But ill start here:

    Trained, dangerous, soft hands
    Hands that touch and take hearts not their own
    Hands that hit until her temper has ebbed away
    Hands that cross fingers, secrets never to be told

    at first I didn't like the "trained hands" part,i dunno why because the next time I read it it seemed to fit perfectly,it adds to her character,and takes away from the otherwise positiveness that would be in her touch.So yeah that part was very rellevent I think.

    But the line:

    "Hands that hit until her temper has ebbed away"

    Thats what the problem is for me,youve written two great lines and sandwiched a very basic one in between,so to fix this I would change "hit" to "beat".

    Its a tiny change but I think something to that affect would fix it so that5 it flows fine.

    Otherwise I have no faults with the piece and loved the first stanza:

    "Green, envious, sultry eyes
    Eyes that give away her every thought
    Eyes that dance and laugh on men's hearts
    Eyes that have killed many a pretty girl"

    It for one seems to allude to lesbianism,but the kind were all the men want her and cant have her,but to women (who can) shes an ice queen.

    Although,the whole person could be a metaphor for something else,though that'd be far-fetched and hard for me to back up so Ill just take my obvious thoughts.

    Great piece,I love the way youve described manipulation,and how you can be manipulated,even though the person sounds very evil,they still strangly enough sound attractive.

    anyway good work all in all,even if you don't change that line I wouldn't beat myself up too much about that third stanza,its not taking anything away from the piece at all,it could just flow a little better.

    -Craig

    PS I meant to check out something else from you sooner but I have exams at the moment and have been studying non-stop so sorry it took so long:-)

    | Posted on 2007-06-08 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      With the introduction of yourself in the last stanza I wonder whether you are your subject in this piece or if it is about someone close to you. The title could imply to me either that your heart belongs to this other person or that your you are in conflict with your own heart.

    If this is about you, I think there is a lot more that could be said after the 3rd stanza to play with the juxtaposition of your actions and your relationship to them.

    However if this is a piece about someone else, I don't see too much more to expand on.

    As far as the 3rd stanza goes, any criticism would fall into the nitpicking variety, and at the risk of seeming loquacious (heh) I'll give it a go.

    Line 1 - seems fine
    Line 2 - "not their own" doesn't need to be said, it is also the third reference to what she does to hearts, and the weakest.
    Line 3 - this is the only line that explains or gives reason for her action, which weakens the mystery around her.
    Line 4 - "secrets never to be told" seems a tad pedestrian, an easy way out of the idea, unlike your striking "spill filth" from the 2nd stanza.

    A good beginning, but I daresay I like it more if it is about you.
    | Posted on 2007-05-30 00:00:00 | by hobohead | [ Reply to This ]


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