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    dots Submission Name: Nobody's Homedots

    Author: Maki
    ASL Info:    17/ female/ home
    Elite Ratio:    5.04 - 208/210/69
    Words: 228
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 717
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1314

       Hm, It needs some work but....I like the message I'm trying to send out. Because I have suffered through a divorce that wasn't all that brutal between my parents, it was more than emotionally unforgiving on me.

    I haven't gone through all those stages just yet and I hope I never go through the last one. Thank God for my wonderful boyfriend to support me through this.... I'd be someone else if I didn't have him.

    So yea, I tried a slight different style of writing... Hm, I dunno.

    :D Positive feed back anyone?

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNobody's Homedots

    When I was young, my parents were the best,
    They used to say, " I'll always be here."
    and cradle my little baby body as sleep took over.

    Later on my little baby body grew,
    They used to say, " You can be anything you want to be and we'll be there to back you up." they'd kiss my head and pat my shoulder as my little head didn't comprehend what it meant.

    Later on my little head was starting to become bigger with knowledge,
    They used to say, " With an attitude like that, you'll get no where." they'd yell at me and slap the table as they shook their big wise heads in disgrace.

    Later on my knowledge filled head was just the right size,
    My father used to tell me, " Isn't it time for you to move out yet?" my mom now lived with someone else and my pretty little eyes couldn't believe what they saw.

    Later on my pretty little eyes had to adjust to the darkness of the house when I came home late,
    I used to say, " Is nobody home?" and listen to the imaginary echo whilst I close my pretty little eyes to disconnect from my knowledgeable mind and try to remember what they used to say before they left me with nobody home.

    Submitted on 2007-05-31 00:28:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I agree with Specdro (below) that maybe the speech-rhythms need more attention ... just a bit of polishing and shuffling the lineation? Just because with the way of this poem, the speech-rhythms are the make of the verseform. So maybe it needs an extra layer of work on it.

    Not really criticising - this poem's successful with me because it took me back! Not to leaving home because I was sent to boarding school at 14 so that was a different story. But when my parents died, amazing how lonely it suddenly got, yet we hadn't been seeing much of each other for decades!
    | Posted on 2008-01-03 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the format of your writing how you bring the end of each group to the beginning of the next. It was tough to read but then again I canít really read anything that doesnít rhyme or flow simply (not your fault, Iím just not good at it).

    I think you need to lead into the divorce a little more, it just seemed kind of sudden and a blunt end to the poem. How has the divorce affected you? Thatís the info that should make up the last few verses in my opinion.

    All in all though I liked the artistic pattern you used to write this.

    | Posted on 2007-06-02 00:00:00 | by Specdro | [ Reply to This ]

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