Have you Forgotten? by necrotic

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Have you Forgotten? dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	necrotic
ASL Info:	18/f/New York City, Baby!
Elite Ratio:	8 - 198/94/33
Words:	193

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	165
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1287

Description:
I found this peice in a book had from like a year ago. I re-vised it and wanted to see what everyone thought.

Have you Forgotten? dots

-------------------------------------------

The feel of my skin when locked inside your arms,
the color of my eyes while looking at you,
like embers of a dying fire,
my world welcoming me to stay-
dreaming of your face.
Only when my eyes were close did I miss you.
My dreams held you close ,
protecting you from screams of monsters,
the bitter taste of blood.
Have your forgotten?
The breath that hit the surface of you as I drew closer.
My lips,
like soft cotton wrapping itself inside the skin of your lips.
When I think, I see you.
A Yellow flower floated up by the wind today,
it headed for a silver sky,
and fell back into my dreams.
A flash, like lightening,
I saved you from your nightmares.
Have you forgotten?
The promise, the pleasure.
Together-
Sinking in a world of icede mountians peaking from the ocean.
The sun, dimmed and close to us,
the clouds falling inside the water like bullets.
My smile,
looking at you-
afraid,
screaming inside-
gripping sand between my fingers.
Found were purple crystals,
hiding behind the glass of a long corridor,
a dream, our dream...
Have you forgotten?

Submitted on 2007-05-31 10:18:22 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
This piece... was good in its entirety, but when broken down, I found myself exposing its flaws. Dont get me wrong, I enjoyed reading it and I found your words creating powerful images in my mind... I could follow what you were trying to say and how you were trying to say it, but I think your message got lost in the rythm and flow of the piece... And to me, that was the hardest thing to witness. I am not going to sugar coat this comment, nor am I going to tell you what I think you want to hear. Because in the end how is that going to help you improve on what you have... I am not saying that this (meaning; my comment) is going to help you... because you may chose to ignore it completely, it's whether it will help you improve that is the main thing.... and that's for you to decide.

Now, on to the critique...

I'm not sure what it is about your writing, but I have read a few things of yours now and I have noticed that each line of your pieces tends to not flow or connect with the next... I'm not saying that it's all bad, because in some ways that's just your style. The problem with it for me, is that it detracts from what you are trying to say, it loses emphasis and power for a reader. It's not all bad, because in some cases it works... But maybe instead of it staying the same throughout, you should switch it around a bit.

This piece, is mostly good... it just needs a quick revision here and there... For example a few lines in this piece tend to be too long; They tend to include words that can be illiminated, because in actuall fact it says the same thing without them.

I like the title, and I like the way it is placed repeatedly throughout the poem, it is said just enough times to still maintain its meaning. It's Ironic that the line you chose to place here and there throughout the whole thing is "Have you forgotten?"... because in actuall fact no one ever forgets love, true love. It is the emotion that lasts in everyone. That's why no one ever forgets their first love, because love is such a powerful emotion. Which leads me to ask the question, Is it love or lust?

"A Yellow flower floated up by the wind today,
it headed for a silver sky,
and fell back into my dreams.
A flash, like lightening,
I saved you from your nightmares.
Have you forgotten?"

That would have to be my favourite section in this piece, it paints a clear image in my mind... it makes me wish that it was all just as powerful.
In actual fact this write isn't far from greatness, with a quick revision, I think it could go far...
And yes, I think this is love...

~SC
| Posted on 2007-08-15 00:00:00 | by seriouscutter19 | [ Reply to This ]
Wow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . I really enjoyed this piece. It made me feel kinda empty inside . . . . . . . . . I don't exactly know how to explain it. I felt a weird feeling in my stomach. . . . . . . . . . I don't know. . . . . . . whatever. . . . . . .

Anyway. . . . . . this piece had so much imagery and emotion in it. . . . . I think that's why it made me feel so . . . weird. It's as if I could picture everything. . . . . . like I was experiencing it.

This part was filled with imagery and it was, by far, my favorite part . . . . . . . . . . .

The breath that hit the surface of you as I drew closer.
My lips,
like soft cotton wrapping itself inside the skin of your lips.
When I think, I see you.
A Yellow flower floated up by the wind today,
it headed for a silver sky,
and fell back into my dreams.

>>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>>

SD
| Posted on 2007-06-02 00:00:00 | by SilentDreams42 | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.