Makebelieve Love by necrotic

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Submission Name: Makebelieve Love dots

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Author:	necrotic
ASL Info:	18/f/New York City, Baby!
Elite Ratio:	8 - 198/94/33
Words:	83

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	196
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	533

Description:
I don't think this is finished, although it may sound just fine like this. I think this is okay, and I hope everyone likes it as much as I do, so please leave a comment... i need them, badly.

Just don't forget about my other poems!

Makebelieve Love dots

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Such whisper in your breath,
soundly footsteps grow close to me,
your arms so full of dreams,
wrapping me in a blanket of security.
Teasng my mind with what lies beneathe reality.
My love, such jeweled eyes looking down upon me.
Scraping at my tongue - screams of the clouds that we once knew.
A feild of pink grass,
shining in the sunlight of welcoming heartache.
I cry out to your tender soul,
reaching for happiness that slowly slips away from reality.

Submitted on 2007-05-31 11:34:57 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Whoa, that's a long comment. Anyway, I love the idea behind this piece. Some of the words really help in creating a visual. the only problem, in my opinion, is the flow. i know it's really hard to get a good rhythm for poetry. I actually think this piece would be better if you didn't try to make it poetry and force yourself to think up things to rhyme and all. It might be better if you just let it me a short, inspirational passage.

But that's just my opinion! You don't have to change a darn thing if you don't want to! Just write from your heart!

Byeyahs
Lizzy
| Posted on 2007-07-31 00:00:00 | by Lizzy B | [ Reply to This ]
  Holy sh.... crap. uh yeah... that guy left a long comment on here... yeah... Well I like it personally. Pretty good, and from what I've heard from teacher's I'm a good critic. So yeah. Uh, hmm... Well there are a few typos but other than that it's pretty good. I don't really know what I would change other than that but you're right about what you said in your description it could be a little longer. What you have right now is fine for a base but it could be a little longer, and more in meter. That's all I relaly have to say... my "two cents"

so yeah, good job.

- Kyle
| Posted on 2007-06-01 00:00:00 | by Namlooc20 | [ Reply to This ]
  Okay..... this I think is okay to comment on.
As love poems go this is a run of the mill love poem. I believe
that the idea of love poems are played out dry. I write love poems also so what I say here also includes me. There are no new concepts under the sun when it comes to these poems, and when you begin to think that yours is unique ( and I do this ALSO) think again. So if you are a nit picker (like most of the people here) they will comment based on this concept. And based on this concept ( nit picking) this poem is boring. ( If you do not use this concept your poem rocks. Confussing? I'm confussed.) Please don't take heart I've been slaughtered poeticly more times then I want to admit to.The funny thing here is that when I read their stuff I scratch my head an say" What the hell is this". I say that to tell you this: I 'am just a struggling writer like you, and I'am in no way better than you. It is just that in order to post your poetry you are forced to comment. I do hate this. So please weigh these commits on that basis.

First the emotion is present in this piece. Like the other poem of yours I read you have no problem placing abstract emotions to concret paper. For me I believe this is 1/2 the problem solved. Your words are gentle and without force in description of your love interest. ( sorry it didn't work out).

However ( I hate that word) the beat,. or flow of the lines are choppy. They do not join seemlessly to the next line, and the line, " Scrapping at my tongue-screams of the clouds that we once knew", and " soundly footsteps grow close to me " leaves me scratching my head and saying " What the hell is this'..( I say this at times to my own work). "Soundly"?
You do have wonderful lines. I do feel that these lines can be even more wonderful if you delete some words. ( Sometimes less is more).
By doing so you can tighten up the meter, and make this whole thing work nicely. The flow would be...well.....fluid. For example: " My love such jeweled eyes loooking down on me ". Which is very beautiful. Could be written as: My loves jeweled eyes gaze upon me. " I cry out to your tender soul" is real good, and fits the flow( DONT TOUCH THIS)."Shinning in the sunlight of welcoming heartach", is real good., but it needs to be shortend to fit... Shinning in sunlight of welcoming heartach". For me "the" is a fill in word that can be illiminated.
The last line is also very good, but I believe it to be verbose. Being wordy tends to take the punch away from poetic lines. Also by "less is more" IN SOME POEMS not every poem, you give the reader the opportunity to fill in the blanks them selves. In love poems this can be effective, because the reader wants to well up in their hearts their own taste of love inspired by your piece. They do not want to be limited to your feelings only. So the last line would go better if you deleted " from reality". These two words de-rail the whole train. " Reaching for happiness slowly slipping away". To my ears this sounds ( soundly) better.

Thats my two cents, and truly you should believe that. This is forced advise that really should not be given. What is the saying" People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
Peace,
Nathan
| Posted on 2007-05-31 00:00:00 | by itinnmannn | [ Reply to This ]

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