*Untitled by Caotic

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Submission Name: *Untitled dots

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Author:	Caotic_Disaster
ASL Info:	16/F/Canada
Elite Ratio:	4.03 - 447/349/148
Words:	154

Class/Type:	Poetry/BrokenHeart
Total Views:	212
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	874

Description:
i wrote this poem with another friend...

*Untitled

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As I sit here, I think
I think about you
About all the times you made me cry
About all the nasty things you said

As I sit here, I think
I think about me
About how happy I was
About how hurt I am now

As I sit here, I think
I think about then
About When you said you loved me
About when you actually cared

As I sit here, I think
I think about what happened
How I was Accused of a crime I didn't commit
How my heart was toyed with and now won't mend

As I sit here, I think
I think about her
Does she like your kiss as much as I did
Does she love you the way I did

As I sit here, I think
I think about the future
About moving on
About that hot guy I saw today

Submitted on 2007-06-01 14:54:53 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I like what you have written here it really explains youre feelings. I am wondering, if you can take the actual emotions, imagery, feelings, from that and use words to get those across. IE Dont just tell the reader you were hurt but also say how that hurt felt in an original way ie. not my heart was broken or shattered etc... The following lines may then fit much better and it will be an even better read.

"How I was Accused of a crime I didn't commit
How my heart was toyed with and now won't mend"

Just my thoughts...stormy
| Posted on 2007-09-03 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]
  Kudos on not being able to tell that this was written by more than one author. Not many can do that without each switch of the keyboard of pen sounding like the other person.
"How I was Accused of a crime I didn't commit
How my heart was toyed with and now won't mend"
This seems to be the meat of the poem, but it doesn't seem to fit well with the other stanzas. Though that sounds like a bad thing, it really isn't. It lets me see what exactly the home point was.
Good job, and nice ending!
Cheers,
~Persephone~

| Posted on 2007-06-05 00:00:00 | by Persephone | [ Reply to This ]
  This is pretty good
In this write I can feel the pain you still carry with you about breaking up with someone you felt was very important to you moving forward
The good news is the very last line
That line shows how strong you really are in that you are able to forget the past and its pain and move forward
EXCELLENT JOB!!!
I am real happy to see you posting again I missed you
God Bless
Ron

Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
Thank You
Ron
| Posted on 2007-06-01 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]

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