Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Kool-Aiddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jeniffer
    ASL Info:    18/f/earth
    Elite Ratio:    5.76 - 240/279/81
    Words: 379
    Class/Type: Poetry/Comedy
    Total Views: 1672
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2494



    Description:
       This is based on a true story.

    Sad, but true.

    My sister and I discovered early the allure - and the danger - of hard core dry Kool-Aid mix.
    There was one day that my tongue was so sore that I couldn't even eat my hot dog.

    Let this story be a lesson...or a warning....


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsKool-Aiddots
    -------------------------------------------







    Ta-bing! There it is-
    the old packet from my past.
    I know I must face this moment of truth;
    the journey of denial ends at last.

    I kicked the habit long ago,
    and to my decision I've been dutiful;
    but there it is, on the floor.
    Ridiculously tempting, and sooo beautiful.

    Plain old, sugarless Kool-Aid mix-
    it was more than just a fad;
    it was sourer than the sourest sour
    that anyone ever had.

    The crazy need for it came so easy,
    just one taste was enough to cause it;
    my sister and I stole some spoons one day
    and ate it in the closet.

    But it wasn't just an addiction;
    it wasn't substance abuse;
    it became a full blown downward spiral
    of Kool-Aid powder misuse.

    Blastin' Berry Cherry was the best,
    the blend of flavors was hard to beat;
    what a thing to stuff in your mouth
    when there's nothing around to eat!

    My sister and I grew to love it more
    than a cockatoo loves a trinket;
    we sprinkled it, dipped it, and licked it up-
    we did everything but drink it.

    We stole it from the cupboard,
    and snuck it into the shopping cart;
    the logo always caught our eye
    in every grocery mart.

    Now the packet is in my hand;
    the poor thing, I can't just chuck 'er;
    I need one more sprinkle on the tongue,
    just one more delicious pucker.

    I'm ignoring all the danger signs;
    I'm going back to my same old ways;
    better than candy, better than drugs-
    I'll be spitting berries for days.

    The open packet's headed for my mouth;
    my taste buds will be swollen and sore again;
    I run to the kitchen in a last minute escape,
    grab a cup of water and pour it in.

    I tip the tub of sugar desperately-
    lots and lots of sugar is the key;
    I stir and stir like a maniac,
    like a mad hatter cackling in his tea.

    At last I stop and raise it to my lips,
    and they curl with a smile heaven made;
    it tasted awful, but I finally won;
    I finally drank the blasted liquid Kool-Aid.




    Submitted on 2007-06-01 15:15:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well...an original idea, I can tell you that. I've honestly never read a poem about abusing Kool-aid powder. Kudos for a funny idea.

    Unfortunately, I found it forced. Why? Because you rhymed.

    Yes, I know the rhyming adds a bit to the humourous aspect of the poem. But it just...I dunno...hangs there like a dead weight. I suggest going freestyle with this. It makes me feel so trapped while I'm trying to find the freedom in it.

    Never stop writing!
    | Posted on 2007-11-06 00:00:00 | by AsiaticFox | [ Reply to This ]
      and when i was 25 i dyed my hair a nice shade of red with the classic cherry flavor (sugarless and mixed with hot water and peroxide until it was a paste).

    it could give Manic Panic a run for the money...
    | Posted on 2007-09-07 00:00:00 | by ruejacobs | [ Reply to This ]
      Jennifer
    You did a fantastic job on this
    This write brought back many memories of different items that were Oh so Fad in the 80s
    You have also inspired me to create a poem based on 80s fads
    For that I Thank You
    The rhyming was perfect in this write and for some reason this write immediately reminded me of a classic rap song from the 80s by Grandmaster Flash and The Furious Five called White Lines
    One of my favorite songs ever
    Excellent Job!!!!
    Looking forward to reading more from you in the future
    You are one talented writer
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2007-06-24 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I too had that addiction! It was a school wide craze and I couldn't stop laughing at the way you portrayed yourself doing everything but drinking it. This just made my fav list! I love the way it flowed and was easy to read. I didn't have to think about it so I just smiled and laughed through the whole thing thinking back to my mom yelling because we keep stealing her kool-aid packets. Major kudos to you!

    -Don
    | Posted on 2007-06-02 00:00:00 | by Specdro | [ Reply to This ]
      lol omg that was asome, i couldn't help but grin through almost the entire thing. i love the scene, and you have a really expressive and genuine voice coming through here. what's even better is that it's based on a true story!
    there was one place you might want to look at, where it got a little rocky:

    "I'm ignoring all the danger signs;
    I'm going back to my same old ways;
    better than candy, better than drugs-
    I'll taste nothing but sour powder for days."

    I think it's mostly the last line that falls short here, because I can still feel the rhythem at first, but then it sort of fades out by the time we get to "powder for days."

    otherwise though, greath job!

    - T T

    ps i love the ta-bing at the opening!
    | Posted on 2007-06-01 00:00:00 | by TT | [ Reply to This ]
      HAHAHAHAH Oh man. this was amazing. I love it. Sounds like something I would do, although I don't know if I would have the strength to finally dump the water into it.

    Suggestions?

    You spend a lot of time talking about how delicious and guilty it is. I'd recommend more visuals and more of a story. It seems like a lot of the stanzas are about the same thing, just worded differently.

    "like the mad hatter dumping sugar in his tea."

    this line has too mant syllables. fix it.


    But overall this was pretty good. Kudos.

    Keep writing
    ~Venia


    | Posted on 2007-06-01 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    143994

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Love written by saartha
    prison written by ShyOne
    The World written by jjd
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Cover written by saartha
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Records I written by Raphael
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Redemption written by poetotoe

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry