The Great Rite by EmpathicAya

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Submission Name: The Great Rite dots

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Author:	EmpathicAya
ASL Info:	12+6/unMale/Your Mind
Elite Ratio:	7.64 - 626/369/80
Words:	141

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	208
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1070

Description:
I saw the sunset through poetry today.
~Azura*

The Great Rite dots

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I was
used as a canvas today, in an act of
pure narcissism.

I became wounded by her stinging jabs of
vanity, and bled beauty.

Oh,
how crimson it was.

She tickled me with words of joy, written on my ribs,
and deep laughter in my throat.

"She needs to have more color, where are
the words of color?"

The The The
Sunset, sunset, sunset.

"I need to write this before the sunset."

"I need to write this before the sunset."

I need to write this
before
the sunset,

giggling in delight, off a natural high of
bright colors.

She looked,
and smiled at me with satisfaction.

"Now, dance."

Submitted on 2007-06-01 22:10:21 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  Hi Ilove the set up of this poem. It wasn't what I expected or have seen before.Thanks for the great read! Blessed Be Andie
| Posted on 2008-08-31 00:00:00 | by magickandie | [ Reply to This ]
  No lie this has to be one of the best poems I have read in awhile to me I love the rush to get something done before sunset. I love how you kept repeating that line so the reader could get the urgency behind it. Great job!
| Posted on 2007-09-13 00:00:00 | by BellaxMuerte | [ Reply to This ]
  I love avant-garde poetry. You really are a contemporary poet, that's for sure. The line that really sucked me into the poem was:

"Oh,
how crimson it was."

As soon as I saw that, I said "I gotta read every syllable of this." Don't know why, I just did.

I think the repetition adds a certain...something. I'm at a loss for words.

"I need to write this before the sunset"

Did you write this before the sun did set? Excellent! A race against the sun!

~King*
| Posted on 2007-07-11 00:00:00 | by manwithnoname | [ Reply to This ]
  You have done wonderful here.

I would have to disagree with the sentiment expressed by SE concerning a new title. I think it fits quite nicely.

I don't watch sunsets, largely because the sun and I are not on speaking terms. However, I get the impression from your writing here that sunlight is leaking through cloud cover and that is an interesting sight when it occurs (on the rare occasions I see it).

"The
Sunset"

Would probably work better if there were more options for formatting on ES. I can see what you're doing there and because of the shortcomings of ES I won't point out the way it looks here because, on paper, I'm sure it makes perfect sense.

I wonder, do you bleed beauty because the blood is the life...or because life is beautiful?

| Posted on 2007-06-22 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ]
  personally i think you need a different title.
this piece deserves a much better title.
see... for me [and this is rather a terrible confession] if i am not in a commenting mood when i am looking at the recent posts page i wont read anything if the title doesnt appeal to me. i guess coz rose coloured glasses is such a cliché expression i expected something... cliché.
however you killed my expectations and im rather embarrassed for having them...
but yes... work on finding a new title perhaps...?

the only part about this piece i didnt like was

The The The
Sunset, sunset, sunset.

it seemed out of sync with the rest of the piece somehow. is it sposed to be an echo...? the transition of colours? it could syymbolise a lot of different things but i dont think in its current form it works.

anyways.
now for some praise.
because this piece really does deserve it.

and bled beauty.

oh you have NO idea what that line does for my soul tonight.
usually i am dubious of blood/bleeding used in poetry because it is over used/killed by angst cutter poems on this site and it is hard to use blood/bleeding as an effective image without causing the reader to think of cutting and/or death but you have used it MAGNIFICENTLY in this piece. you really have.
i am very much in need of life to bleed some beauty my way.

this is a magical captivating sunset.
ive seen a couple this last week and the sky has been on fire. truely spectacular.
and come to think of it... the first poem i EVER wrote that had NOTHING to do with me was about the sunset. always the drama queen i think i titled it

your italicised lines confuse me a little as to whether 'i' is you the writer [though i am fairly convinced it is] but i really like the way they are splayed through this piece adding more layers to it. i like the idea that you were being used. thats very original.

She looked,
and smiled at with satisfaction.

youve got a ? missing... and smiled at...?

now dance

such a command but not a chore to carry out.
i love it
| Posted on 2007-06-02 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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