I cannot by UnderlinedInRed

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Submission Name: I cannot dots

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Author:	UnderlinedInRed
ASL Info:	16/f/Beijing
Elite Ratio:	4.16 - 177/240/109
Words:	82

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	112
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	497

Description:
i wrote this for my boyfriend back home, in the states. I miss him. And I miss being with him.

I cannot dots

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I cannot hold you in my arms,
or be held.
I cannot look up to see your head,
or be looked down upon.
I cannot kiss those soft lips,
or be kissed.
I cannot stroke those smooth cheeks,
or be stroked.
I cannot sleep without you there,
or when you are not sleeping.
I cannot breathe when I am so far away,
or you cannot take my breath away.
I cannot survive another day,
or bear keeping this alive for so long.

Submitted on 2007-06-02 09:23:15 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
There's a couple of typos in this:

the first "breath" should be "breathe" (because it's a verb)

"bare" in the last line should be "bear" (bare = naked)

Like Minsu says, the structure is very nice but there's not all that much depth here. Maybe the topic doesn't have much potential, but I guess you could prove me wrong there if you expanded this. It's hard to comment on anything specific because there's nothing wrong with the poem as such, it's just not all that original. Your longing does come across though. Hope you and your guy get to see each other again soon.

T x
| Posted on 2007-06-03 00:00:00 | by tulip | [ Reply to This ]
I like the pattern in your poem, however, I thought it lacked depth. I suggest using your pattern, but delve deeper into what lies beneath your emotional attachment. Also, your ending lines seems to be lacking. It doesn't follow the same pattern as the rest of the poem, especially in as it relate to the line before it. In this line, "or bare keeping this alive for so long," the [this] throws me off because throughout your poem, you talk about a person, and now, I assume, you are pointing out the burden of this person not being there. Here is where I suggest you delve deeper and edit your current work or even writing another poem.

Minsu
| Posted on 2007-06-02 00:00:00 | by Lee Minsu | [ Reply to This ]

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