It's always there. You can feel. Touch it. Right at the back of your mind, buried just deep enough so that you barely notice it. But it's there alright, and it's not going away. It doesn't take much to uncover it, the subtlest phrase will do; a simple conversation, just enough to shine a light on your subconcious. Just enough to find the black patch that's lurking, just out of sight...but never out of mind. It's the little voice in your head that tells you you're never quite good enough, that you'll never make it and you'll never be worth anything. It's the culmination of your worst fears, the demons that haunted you at night, forgotten memories of things you never want to remember. Always there, threatening to engulf you the moment you let your guard down.
So you ignore it, think those positive thoughts you were told to think. Fight the dark with light. You are a good person. You are a good person. You are a good person. You're not alone; everyone has a black patch, right? Because if not, that must mean something's wrong. And you're not quite sure if you can cope with the idea that you are completely and utterly alone right now. Not when it feels as though you're being swept away by a wild torrent of emotion, and you barely have the energy to fight to keep yourself from being pulled under. You can't bear to think that there's nobody stood on the bank, waiting to throw you a rope and pull you to safety. Not when you could be thrown off the edge at any time.
But you know, deep down, that there won't be anyone to save you. No knights in shining armour. That would be too perfect, wouldn't it? Too cliché. Life is never that easy. So you pretend everything's ok, and everyone believes it because they want to. And you'll never admit that anything's the matter...they'll think you're weak. Everyone feels down every now and again and they cope with it, don't they? What's so different about you? Besides, you need to prove those voices wrong. You are good enough. And you'll prove it by refusing to give into them; by refusing to admit that you can't cope with your demons. You can do it, you know you can. Whatever doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. Never mind that sometimes it keeps you awake at night and you're barely eating for anxiety, you have to survive.
And eventually by pretending it's ok you actually start to believe it and the voices are silenced. It worked the time before, and the time before that. And doubtless it will work the next time. But until then, no matter what you do or where you go, there's always going to be that nagging worry...right at the back of your mind. What will set it off next? |
Submission Name: Blackout
