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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: What to do?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: marray proetus
    ASL Info:    100/F/no where
    Elite Ratio:    3.9 - 24/32/30
    Words: 101
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 720
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 583



    Description:
       this is a rough, it needs a lot of work. I am too lazy now though. Hit me with the criticiza


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhat to do?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    The words I say I know you hear
    though your eyes do not clear.
    they remain as misty as ever
    full of fear.

    I know I kept secrets from you,
    I know I committed many sins,
    I know I killed that trust.
    Which will never be gained

    I know itís been many years
    Since Iíve seen those eyes
    That I hold so dear
    Shining bright with laughter
    Crystal clear

    Tell me what I should do
    To bring you back
    Tell me what words to say
    for my love to be a fact




    Submitted on 2007-06-02 21:16:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      first of all i have to say i love the rose you have as your profile pic white roses are the key to this girls heart hehe.

    secondly...
    when i read this i think of the song by extreme called more than words.

    more than words to show you feel
    that your love for me is real
    then you wouldnt have to say
    that you love me
    coz id already know

    i dunno... the end of the piece with tell me what i can say so my love can be a fact.... love is a word we throw about so easily but its actions that speak louder than words. and i think... even if you did screw up if you are able to talk about the whole thing and work out where it went wrong... where it hurts and whether it can be fixed then you have a chance. but words arent enough, you have to back them up with actions.

    writing wise... i think this piece would be better stated and more effective if you were to stray from the "magic formula" of 4 line stanzas with rhyme. a lot of people seem to be writing in this way on this site recently and i dont think its actually helping/aiding their cause.
    the thing i dislike about 4 line stanzas with rhyme is that you are forcing your message into the structure when its not a "one size fits all" kinda set up. sometimes this way of writing doesnt compliment the words you are using o
    | Posted on 2007-06-03 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Well... if it's already love in your perspective - since you did call it "my love" - then doesn't that already make it a fact?

    Just a thought.
    | Posted on 2007-06-03 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]


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