It's all the same,
Every rain drop,
every mountain top,
No sun to dry up all these tears of mine,
Leave me alone this time,
It's my line,
you'll never understand whats in my mind,
Leave me alone to sit and weep,
Locked in a cold stormy room,
Your the demon of the night,
you make the shadows seem so long,
You have me asking this same question,
When will all this pain be gone,
When will I be as one,
Not torn in two,
no longer missing you,
When in this swirling warp of hell,
Will you be there for me to tell,
you it's true,
I love you,
| Well first i want to comment on how good u gotten in ur writings even though itd been 2 to 3 years since i last saw u or ur writings in Milton Hershey School. Back then u really loved writing, I'm glad that much hasn't changed. ur writing did get me thinking but it will never change on how shattered my heart is towards the word love||| Posted on 2009-10-04 00:00:00 | by Fullmetal5 | [ Reply to This ] || Since you've had plenty of people saying lots of things, I'll just encourage you to not give up hope of finding someone special in your life. Sometimes that person appears when you least expect. Sharon||| Posted on 2007-09-18 00:00:00 | by Peggy Paris | [ Reply to This ] || Okay, well firstly I want to comment nicely and say that it does show potential. I like the fact that you Can dwell on something without repeating 1 word fifty times. (Yes, it happens more often than you may think.) Besides, if you can't dwell on pain in your own poetry, where can you?... I'm not saying Epiphany didn't have a point, I just thought I'd throw that in there.|
Though she does bring up a good issue -*whispers* I'd trust her, she's amazing. lol.
But umm, looking into your punctuation is a good idea. I, personally, noticed that first. It seems to detatch me from a poem if it doesn't look well constructed or at the very least, thought out.
It's good though. Keep at it :)
|| Posted on 2007-09-06 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ] || You should probably change your type of commentary requested from unspecified to something else. What epiphany said is very true, but it sounds to me like the kinda remark you left up here was spoken through your teeth. When you work hard on something only to recieve counseling rather than critique..its difficult to accept, almost insulting...but not. The only mirror we get in life of ourselves is how others look at and treat us unfortunately. 'Take a good look at yourself' is an oxy moronic request. That sounded silly ;)|
|| Posted on 2007-06-20 00:00:00 | by iShoes | [ Reply to This ] || Thank you, and i appreciate your honesty.|
Hope to be able to judge your work also.
See you around, and ohh.... i am not living in the dark. I have experienced enough life for three people! (Just read my "FLASH BACK", and you'll know what i mean.
|| Posted on 2007-06-14 00:00:00 | by Magger32 | [ Reply to This ] || Well I think I've asked myself these same questions over the past few months. I think we all just want to feel love...and you're right...this life is a very lonely place to walk alone. And I know what you mean about the rain and the mountains...they have no meaning...no purpose...everything just seems so dead. It's like you need someone in your life to bring things TO life again. I have to believe though....that the pain WILL subside...that I will no longer miss him...and that someone is going to enter my life and make it bright again. Keep the faith. Great write. ~hailie~||| Posted on 2007-06-04 00:00:00 | by loveispain | [ Reply to This ] || i dunno.|
ive grown up in the church and theyve placed so much emphasis on "finding the one god has for you" and so many of my friends have been so wreckless and thrown themselves into all kindsa things because they were convinced theyd found "the one"...
then theres those who feel that they cannot start living their life until they have someone by their side. well some people may be waiting a mighty long time and if theyre just sitting round moping how are they gonna find the one they long for...?
life is about living...
how can every mountain top be the same?
do you have your eyes open? are you taking life in? do you expect this person to complete you? how can you be with someone and love them if you are not whole yourself? it makes no sense...?
im sorry... im coming across like a harsh insensitive cow. i dont mean to.
im single. so simgle its not funny. but life is so exciting and i can do so many things and have fun with my friends and enjoy life while waiting for "the one" whoever and wherever he is...
and sure... some moments are lonely... you know... the ones where the sun sets and it seems to be just for you and you wish you could share it with someone else... or the stars are so much brighter one night and you just wanna snuggle up in someones arms and get lost looking at the sky together... there are those moments where being single sucks but its up to you how you live your life.
and when you find "the one" and you tell them you havent started living life coz you were waiting for them well... how can you share your life experience with them if you have none...?
i just think there is too much emphasis place on not being single. on crying and being tragic if you are single. i dunno...theres more to life than that.
be daring. be crazy. do something off the wall. take a walk on the wild side. you aint gonna meet no one sitting in your room in the dark crying...
as for your presentation of this piece.
maybe a coupla stanza breaks somewhere? thinks about presenting this more sharper and less stream of conscious like. try and reach out and take hold of the readers heart. make them remember what it was like to be single... in those moments where they doubt[ed] whether they would ever find "the one" but dont keep them dwelling in the darkness or else they may think theyve made some kind of mistake.
have a think about your punctuation.
officially this is one giant sentence as you used commas right throughout the piece. check in a period here or there and have a think about your capitalisation too...
|| Posted on 2007-06-04 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ] |