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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: poetdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jjd
    ASL Info:    20/male/Griffin, Ga.
    Elite Ratio:    2.18 - 20/78/34
    Words: 100
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1429
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 566



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotspoetdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I am a poet writing of my pain
    I'm a person living a life of shame
    I am your son hiding my depression
    I am your brother making a good impression
    I am your friend acting like I'm fine
    I am a wisher wishing this life wasn't mine
    I am a boy who thinks of girls
    I am a teenager pushing his threats aside
    I am a student who doesn't have a clue
    I am the boy sitting next to you
    I am the one asking you to care
    I am your best friend hoping you'll be there





    Submitted on 2007-06-03 14:31:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      13? then even more impressive.
    | Posted on 2011-06-18 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      i think a pretty slick and mature piece, especially for 16? wow....

    i like the momentum of this muchly...

    " teenager pushing his threats aside" "a boy who thinks of girls"

    well, you brought me back with this one. i don't think a part of me ever left childhood.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-04-22 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      cool!
    love,
    ~Liz~
    | Posted on 2009-07-12 00:00:00 | by ShadowGaze | [ Reply to This ]
      Awesome. Once again your flow is so smooth. There's more than one aspect to you, I like that. I also like you writing about something other than love, it's a good change. Are you like Romeo who's in love with love?
    | Posted on 2008-01-18 00:00:00 | by justwantedtosay | [ Reply to This ]
      This was cool. I liked the line "I am the boy sitting next to you" it was my favorite line. What I liked about this poem is how I feel that I can relate. Aside from the grammar issues, I feel that I could have wrote it myself. Just change the "he" words and I COULD have wrote it. I've hidden my pain from loved ones, and have used writing to release some of those emotions. This poem is short and to the point, which I like about it. I agree with everyone else about the spelling mistakes and grammar and all that. It does really take away from the feeling of the poem; just correct the spelling mistakes; this is a great poem!!!!
    Oh yeah, welcome to Elite Skills! I hope you find a place to share your work and a bit of yourself as well.
    | Posted on 2008-01-17 00:00:00 | by Draumrkopa | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this! i think it is simple...but you get the point across nicely! and i think that many readers can relate to this,like: "the poet writing of my pain" and "the student that dosent have a clue." i also think the poem flows good too!! over all this is a good poem!
    =P
    keep writin!!!!!!!!
    | Posted on 2007-12-26 00:00:00 | by koolness | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey there J.

    I have to agree with the previous comment about the spelling; a good writer is always conscious of proper spelling and grammar, except of course when he or she purposefully disregards these rules to make a point.

    The mistakes in spelling are as follows:

    "hideing" should be "hiding"
    "deppresion" should be "depression"
    "'makeing" should be "making"
    "whisher" and " whishing" should be "wisher" and "wishing" "wernt" should be "wasn't"
    I'm not sure what you meant by " trets"
    "dosnt" should be "doesn't"
    "hopeing" should be "hoping"
    "1" should be "one"
    and " youll" should be "you'll"

    Aside from these, I think you did a really good job describing the feeling in each line. It's a simple structure but it flows nicely, and it does have a good affect on the reader, one of both relating and of recognizing each description, such as the "poet writing of my pain", the "son hiding my depression" and the "student who doesn't have a clue". All very good characterizations.

    I look forward to reading more of your work.

    Jen




    | Posted on 2007-12-18 00:00:00 | by Jeniffer | [ Reply to This ]
      I personally find it distracting when I feel like I have to pay attention to the (mis)spelling. Misspelled words or missing apostrophes distract from your message. I like how you start every line with "I am" This pulls it together and unifies the poem and provide structure. You are well on your way. Just give it more time and fine-tune your words. Overall not bad. I see that you have a desire to get your message out and you want to adhere to some type of artisitc form. I like when poems have not only message but also structure that create a second dimension in this specific form writing. This what makes it an art. If you want to create more impact and make it tighter, you could give the lines a specific count of syllables. That underlines the rhythm to the poem.
    | Posted on 2007-06-05 00:00:00 | by maltestrauss | [ Reply to This ]


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