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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sicknessdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Specdro
    ASL Info:    28/Of Course/NY
    Elite Ratio:    2.87 - 20/53/37
    Words: 110
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1071
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 673



    Description:
       Last night I was sitting up at my wives work like we do every Saturday having a few drinks when I was overcome by this sickness that completely weakened me. With in 15 minutes it passed and I felt fine. It was very strange and I was mentally concisions the entire time.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSicknessdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Everything is good, Everything is fine
    Then the fever hits and its instant red line.
    Ears full of everything but actual sound
    Head spins in circles, round and round.
    Vision goes black, darker than night
    Sensing surroundings with nauseating fright.
    I stand, I stumble, and I almost fall.
    My wife takes my hand and helps me down the hall.
    Out into the night, I crash into a rail
    Sit down again, why did my senses fail?
    Minutes start to slip off the clock.
    I start to feel better sitting upon a rock.
    She speaks to me, asking for a sign
    I look up at her and suddenly feel fine.




    Submitted on 2007-06-03 14:54:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The rock rhyme isn't forced in the the literal sense but ambiguous in the sense that it doesn't quite fit the rest of the poem. It lacks meaning and makes the end of the poem sound silly. You want to shoot for a strong ending to a poem, in my opinion, even if the meat of it is lacking. Ends are more memorable, it's what people trigger better than anything.

    It sounds like you may have had a drink too many or perhaps you're on medication? It's hard to say but do be careful. I don't trust myself with alcohol, though I've never been close to bombed, but I know alcoholism is a dangerous thing and can happen to anyone.

    I think rhyming is fine but you may want to think about other writing styles and explore how to express yourself in different ways. Eventually, you'll burn out when the same format you play on over and over starts getting stale, and it will start to show in the piece itself.

    On a stylistic note, I don't think there's anything great here. It's obvious what you're trying to explain with no special intelligence needed. You became feverish and you go into it with some details like how your hearing, sight, and mind is being strangely affected. But when speaking of alcohol, I'm not shocked or stirred, it happens.

    But I want to find a mystery in you. Something that speaks more than what's written. Double-meanings and beyond. Take a step further than what you feel and let your imagination take you to a place you haven't yet experienced, and record what you really felt with raw, real words and deep, sincere intent.

    I encourage you to keep writing, regardless of criticism. It only gets better with practice and taking in what other people who have more experience to gently push you in the direction where all great writing starts. I would like to hear your thoughts on a poem of mine some time, any will do, so do stop by my page at your convenience and give some thoughts on anything you like that strikes your fancy.

    Perhaps I can give you some insight, and your criticism I'm sure will be greatly valued. Thanks.
    | Posted on 2011-05-17 00:00:00 | by Dolor | [ Reply to This ]
      I've been browsing your other pieces, and I noticed that you rhyme in every poem. I'm curious if you've ever written a poem that didn't rhyme.

    I start to feel better sitting on a rock.

    Where did the rock come from? This is a forced rhyme...it sounds awkward.

    Overall though the poem rhymed fine; the last two lines ended the poem in a sweet fashion. Another thing I noticed is that you punctuate each line. The reader is than forced to read each line and stop abruptly. The poem cannot flow when there is a period after each line.

    Everything is good, everything is fine.
    Then the fever hits and it's instant red line.


    Everything is good, everything is fine
    then the fever hits, and it's instant red line.


    Notice the difference between the two when you read them aloud. The first set makes you stop before continuing to the second line. The second set makes you pause before continuing to the second line. A pause is good. A pause is natural.

    Overall this poem was a good read. As a reader, you kept me interested throughout the entire piece.
    | Posted on 2007-07-07 00:00:00 | by Agent V. | [ Reply to This ]
      Vision goes black, darker then night.

    should be 'than' night



    im thinking you have basically recounted the events of the night while rhyming.
    you could prolly do more with this idea than you have done here.
    i dont think every line needs to end with a period. periods tend to stop ideas. so that makes every line of this piece a new idea whereas to me it seems it should all be snowballing and getting bigger and bigger, worse and worse until the reader is finding the whole piece moving so fast and out of control and then BAM! its over now and im fine...

    see?

    at the moment its just a blow by blow account. theres no suspense. theres very little imagery (though i did like the line about everything in your ears except actual sound. that is something i can identify with... im sure many ppl can... its like that sound when you are about to pass out and everything seems to be closing in on you and the ringing gets louder and louder and your vision gets narrower and narrower...)

    i am really convinced you could do more with this piece than you have and id like to see you try do more.
    | Posted on 2007-06-04 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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