have you ever -------------------------------------------
have you ever live my life?
spent you minute in my shoes?
if u haven’t than tell me
Why you judge me as you do.
have you ever woken up in the morning
wondering if this was your last day on earth?
have you ever left your house
unsure if youd return?
have you ever seen your friend get shot
outside his favorite store?
have you ever sat beneath the stars
hopeing god will hear?
have you ever seen your friend drive away
after way to many beers?
have you ever had a friend
experiment with weed?
have you ever coverd up guit
by doing a good deed?
have you ever cosidered suicide
as the only way?
have you ever tried to hide yourself
behind the things you say?
have you ever wanted to protect
your friends and everyone in sight?
have you ever felt such pain
that you cried yourself to sleep at night?
If you havn't, than tell me why you judge me as you do.
I'm surprised that so few have commented on this one. Out of the poems that I have read of yours, I'd have to say that, so far, it's my favorite. And to answer your question, I have felt this way. Way too many times. I felt that the rhyme scheme was good, if not the best. It didn't seem too forced, but didn't flow naturally, like others I've read have. Though, it is hard to rhyme sometimes. I also feel that I could have written this (with a few exceptions, of course). Let me know when you make corrections on this one, I'll definitely favorite it. Excellent job!
I found myself glued to your words as if I had been writing them myself in a rant about society and the people around me. I can see that this came from the heart (was that corny? ... I think it was ). Sometimes it's hard to know what people have been through, and in times of desperation and need It's hard to realise that people have been through the exact same thing as you at some stage of their life. When I actually think about it, it makes me feel small. But no doubt, someone somewhere has been through all the things you talk about in this piece.
The Ideas are there. Although, I did find the repetition of "Have you ever..." a bit much, maybe you could break them up a bit. You don't have to though. And a few of the lines were a little bit cliché, but mostly it worked.
I agree completely with 'sunsetserenity'... the structure of this write does need to be polished up a bit, and there are definately some grammatical errors and such. but overall I think you have done pretty well.
Good luck on future writing...
It has a good point, but I think you need to work on the actual structure of this poem a little more. To me, it seemed like you were trying too hard to keep up with the rhyming. And you rhymed in the second stanza, but you didn't rhyme in the first. That kind of threw things off a bit.
Also, I noticed a couple of grammer mistakes that I think might do some good if I pointed them out...
"live" in the first line should be changed to "lived".
Change "1" to the actual word... "one".
And "u" to "you".
Shorthand is perfect for IM'ing, but use the real words when writing poetry and etc.
There are a couple more mistakes like the above, but don't think it's necessary to go through them all. I've only pointed these few out to let you see that if you pay attention to the grammer and spelling, it will increase the quality of your writing skills.
Do remember, though, that the main focus is not the grammer, but the feelings behind the words. How much of your heart did you pour into this poem? It's a good poem with a lot of potential. Keep writing.