Blackened Wings by Zara

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Submission Name: Blackened Wings dots

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Author:	Zara
ASL Info:	16,Female, U.S.
Elite Ratio:	6.1 - 13/14/8
Words:	51

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	103
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	512

Description:
Pain is always known and always following those whose lives have been unkind. We all know that we are destined to have pain. This is a poem expresses pain, but it is very cryptic in some respects, but not all.

Blackened Wings dots

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Black Wings glide,
Silent slide,
Angel falling,
Light crying.

Angel fallen,
Wings black ashen,
Scarlet tinted,
Feather blighted.

Eyes so dead,
Scarlet dread,
Happiness,
Never fed.

Falling angel,
Black Wings silent,
Shadow's night,
Silver light,
Silent kiss,
Black abyss.

Beauty fallen,
Heart trodden,
Blackened Wings,
She sings.

Submitted on 2007-06-05 00:57:43 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This was a really great poem. It reminds me of so many past thoughts of mine. The imagery was awesome, I loved the flow, and your word chioce was perfect. Keep up the awesome work, and I'll keep reading

Saint Raxor
| Posted on 2007-06-05 00:00:00 | by brknprclndol | [ Reply to This ]
  Simple but totally black and has deep meaning. I should learn how to write a short and meaningful poetry like this.

The first stanza is the best
Black Wings glide,
Silent slide,
Angel falling,
Light crying.

Well your rhyme is also perfect.
But the word angel here is kind of repetitive, i think it would be better if you dont use is more than two times. Well but it dosen't effect the beauty of this poetry. I like this.

-David-
| Posted on 2007-06-05 00:00:00 | by garnet4david | [ Reply to This ]
  liked it. i love that pic to! loved the dark feel to it. it almost seemed that this person was doing what she should not have been or something like that. but once again beautiful images!
---madison
| Posted on 2007-06-05 00:00:00 | by BarleyBreathing | [ Reply to This ]
  pain can be beautiful.
brokenness can be beautiful.
anything can be beautiful depending on how you choose to veiw it.

tonight, as i said in a previous comment, i am completely out of context. when a reader comes to a poem they bring their own baggage to the piece and try to put themselves into the piece... they try to make the piece fit them like a robe or an undershirt or a raincoat... something to protect them, keep them warm or identify with intimately. i guess the reader can manipulate a piece into saying anything.

now i am not a fan of rhyme and im not sure it was used well here. i dont think it contributed to your ideas in a good way and i think you prolly could have written this idea in a more... concise way that would have had more of an impact without seeming to repeat itself over and over. but thats just me.

however i do see the brokenness in this piece. blackened wings are hard to fly with... one too many bruises... one too many harsh words... forced to the ground when all she wants to do is fly far away from here...
i come to this piece with the memories of the most ghastly night of my life plaguing the outer reigons of my mind... this night a year ago ina foreign country where i found myself down some dark alley being beaten and all kindsa hideous awful things that really ought to screw a girl up for life. but i am fine. my wings were blackened and yet i didnt allow myself to stay flightless for long.

i think when the pain comes we have an option. we have a choice. do we let it consume us and paralyse us or do we try to pick up the pieces and find a bright side... find something to keep living for even in the midst of such pain and life altering heart ache...?

theres always a reason to sing.
theres a song for everything.
one of the two songs that got me through the whole rape thing is called summertime and i swear i can hear it echoing between the lines of your piece...

one of these mornings
youre gonna rise up singing
youre gonna spread your wings
child and take to the sky
until that morning
nothings gonna harm you now
so hush little baby
no... dont you cry

yeah... i think that is the song of this piece you have written. i think you wanna find the essence of this piece and make it into something more. think about trying to write it without rhyme. try to give it some kind of context. give it more imagery and more emotion. i think it could be a piece that many readers could identify with if you sold it in a different package. dont sell out by any means... you have to be true to yourself but do experiment and explore different ways of writing the same idea...

good luck.
stay beautiful
| Posted on 2007-06-05 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  wow....um im pretty blown away...i loved how you left so much for the reader to decipher...its like you give everybody the same set of lego blocks and then have them make of it what they will, i will not write what it meant to me here because that will spoil their interpretations of it but i will say i love the way the last line conveyed so much hope

respect...gautam
| Posted on 2007-06-05 00:00:00 | by Gautam | [ Reply to This ]
   some feedback... The blackened wings gives it the cryptic, gothic flair. The lines I liked best were:

Angel fallen,
Wings black ashen,
Scarlet tinted,
Feather blighted.

I think what you're aiming for here is some very direct or succint approach. For that reason I will not elaborate much more. xo lilham
| Posted on 2007-06-05 00:00:00 | by pioneerheart | [ Reply to This ]

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