Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: We spent the morning togetherdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: kapri49
    ASL Info:    16/f/canada
    Elite Ratio:    2.55 - 31/69/30
    Words: 137
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 802
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 904



    Description:
       I don't know what kinda comments I want...anything I guess


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWe spent the morning togetherdots
    -------------------------------------------


    We spent the morning together
    There in your bed
    We knew we would be ok
    we wouldn't give in

    We spent the morning together
    There in your bed
    We knew we'd be ok
    We wouldn't go all the way

    We spent the morning together
    There in your bed
    We know we're not okay now
    Temptation took control

    We spent the morning together
    Here in this room
    We know we'll be fine we just need some answers
    But the clock ticks slowly by

    We spent the morning together
    I'm screaming in pain
    You say it's okay, soon we'll be done
    But I've got 7 more to go and crazy with pain

    We spent the morning together
    And we're all okay
    It's gonna be hard but we'll make it
    I swear.




    Submitted on 2007-06-05 11:26:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      over half of this piece consists of the same words. i do not think 4 line stanzas with rhyme and repetition is a very effective way of communicating yourself in this instance.

    we spent the morning together.
    it is obvious where this piece i heading... i dont know from what back ground you come... whether sex before marriage is acceptable in your frame of reference or whether it was a personal pact you had made...
    but when you put yourself in positions/situations where temptation can occur easily... it makes it harder to say no i guess...

    i think you should focus a little more on the feelings of the morning than the events...
    i mean...
    youre lying there and you know that you wanna keep this relationship pure... what was running through youre head...? were you justifying your reasons for wanting to keep it pure... for not wanting to go too far...
    and at what point did you decide it was okay...? was it just a little further just a litte further? compromise compromise compromise. but he says he loves me... its gonna be okay...
    and what about while it was happening? what was your thought process like then...? 'omg... this isnt happening...?' 'is that what all the hype was about...?' ' omg i love him...'
    and afterward... guilt? relief? want?

    i think you could put a lot more of yourself into this piece... this is a moment that everyone experiences some time in their life... something that most people will be able to identify with... play with their mind... drag their experience into this piece... make them feel what you feel... you have more power than you realise...
    | Posted on 2007-07-16 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    144228

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry